Paige Thomas DeHart

“There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root.” – Henry David Thoreau

I finished a thorough inventory Wednesday night and then did my Fifth Step with my sponsor. I can’t say that it was a peak spiritual experience, but I did experience lack of turmoil when I was finished. I woke up this morning and had a flood of memories from my childhood. That was interesting. I started remembering a lot of spankings for stupid stuff that’s pretty normal for a small child. I let go of a lot of pain in the Fifth Step so it doesn’t hurt so badly, but I still feel pretty nauseated and anxious. I’m starting to understand why I was so terrified all of the time; my punishments were too severe for the behavior.

I feel good about my recovery right now. I really have been fooling myself about those Steps. This is the first real inventory I have ever shared with another human being.  

FACE IT, PAIGE, YOU NEVER GOT WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTH UNTIL THIS YEAR.  

It’s really kind of hard to believe that my spiritual experiences could have been so overwhelming without the Steps. I guess that’s why I couldn’t handle them. I’ve probably got the same level of spirituality now (if not more), but it doesn’t seem so intense because I have more balance. 

Basically, the further I go, I see just how much I am incapable of managing my own life; drunk or sober. The inventory also really let me see the futility of holding onto the dream of resolution in this relationship. From the very beginning I believed that I was there to rescue him. I always believed that he needed rescuing. In other words, I did not accept him how he was. I’m not sure if I have ever even looked objectively at who he actually is.

Excerpt page 138