Paige Thomas DeHart

“There is nothing hidden that will not be revealed.” – Jesus

I’ve been questioning what it is about me that causes me to ruin all chances of my dreams coming true. I think it’s because all of my dreams pertain to something happening that’s never happened before. However, when something new happens, I start getting uncomfortable because of the unfamiliarity—so I start manipulating to put my circumstances back to familiar ways that I am comfortable with. The problem is that what I am comfortable with is intense pain and heartache where I can somehow manage to be a victim of circumstance. But I am not a victim and I do not have to live in pain and turmoil.

I’m really starting to understand what drives me: the need to control – to be the best – to be in unchanging circumstances – to be the center of attention – to sabotage my own success so that I can justify myself as a failure rather than give myself permission to succeed. These are character defects and I am willing to let go of them. As a matter of fact, I pray with all my heart that God takes them from me because they are blocking me from His plan for my life. 

I also see that the people I most resent are those who see the truth about me when I am unwilling to see it myself. Basically, they’re the people who are my teachers when I am in an unteachable state of mind.

More than anything, I pray that I somehow find the middle road of humility; which I heard is between pride and guilt. That really makes sense to me. I tend to either be on a one-way ego trip or beating myself mercilessly for being imperfect. It’s time to understand that I’m just the way God made me right now this very minute. 

There’s always room for improvement, but right now is where I am and this person writing is who I am today and she’s valuable, worthwhile, and beautiful just as she is. She’s just not finished yet!

I guess I’m lucky that I didn’t die from the last ordeal. I certainly contemplated suicide last week because I was so appalled by my behavior. This whole thing scares the hell out of me. I hope so because the “hell” in me is what destroys me.

Excerpt page 121