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Posts Tagged ‘self hatred’

The following is dedicated to raising awareness about addiction and mental illness: posted in loving memory of all who have lost their lives or are suffering from mental illness and/or addiction.

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people. – Alcoholics Anonymous

This week I spent a lot more time with my daughter and it made me realize how much I have plain and simply neglected her. God, I’ve been carrying around so much guilt about it. I really have been lazy and have not wanted to exert the energy necessary for parenting. I’ve been lying in bed all day and letting everyone else do my job. That’s very painful to accept. I’ve been blaming all my sleeping on my anti-depressants when it’s really because I want to avoid life.

Mom wrote me a letter and told me that Laurel needs me and that the more I just lay around, the more slovenly I will become. It kind of made me angry, but only because it was so true. “Slovenly”—I hate that word, but that is what I have become. I’ve just been lying around, stuffing my face, and complaining about what a raw deal life has given me. As much as I don’t want to admit it, life is just like the program – you get out what you put in. Unfortunately, most of my life I’ve been a taker and haven’t invested any time in cultivating a life for myself. It’s sad, but true.

Oh well, I’m not going to beat myself up over who I am. There’s bound to be something good about me. I just don’t see it at this time in my life. I am truly my own worst enemy.

Unmasked Excerpt

Dark Valley

July 29, 1989

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