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Posts Tagged ‘self-examination’

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Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I guess I need to look at my ego in relation to my physical appearance. Lately, I’ve finally started losing my weight again–for which I am grateful because it is one of my biggest obstacles. However, I’m less than halfway toward my goal and I already see myself becoming more self-centered because of the attention from others.

Dear God, I earnestly pray that You give me the humility I need in order to be successful in the accomplishment of my goals without losing myself and my commitment to You and to love.

Let’s talk about these goals because, frankly, I’m ready to begin.  First, I want to continue to lose weight.  I want to be beautiful on the inside and on the outside.

PAIGE, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL ON THE INSIDE AND ON THE OUTSIDE. JUST DON’T FORGET THAT THE OBJECTIVE OF LIFE IS TO LOVE ME WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART, MIND, AND SOUL … AND TO LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.

I also want to write that book. This is the one that’s driving me crazy. I have procrastinated and procrastinated. It has been in the making since 1978 and it is definitely emerging its way into manifestation.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF, PAIGE? 

I guess I really am afraid of success, but I am willing to change. There’s just no denying that life calls out to me in a big way. I know that this book is important and is a part of my destiny, but I feel paralyzed about really beginning. I’m tired of being afraid to succeed. I must do what I am here to do or I will be miserable and frustrated.

Help me, Father. Help me to begin. Take me to my true place.

With God’s help I am certain that I can blossom without becoming a monster. I guess I’m really afraid of myself. It just occurred to me that I am always talking about my vulnerability (basically my inner child) being incarcerated by the protective armor I have constructed with certain behaviors and characteristics. Now, I see that a part of me has believed that I’ve been keeping the “boogey man” chained under the stairs so it can’t destroy me.

PAIGE, THE ONLY THING THAT’S TRAPPED INSIDE OF YOU IS ME.  THERE’S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.  ALL THAT IS REAL IS ME, BABY.  I LOVE YOU.  YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF ME.

Sometimes this journal blows my mind to pieces.

Unmasked Excerpt

Soul Mate

March 9, 1995

 

 

 

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Reality eventually forces you to take a second look, and what you see begins to dissolve your selfishness.  You see that you are not alone, that your time will not be spent alone, that your life is in fact many lives, and that no matter how determined you are to make it so, your happiness cannot be solitary.  What you see is that there is something else as important to you as your own life. – Hugh Prather

Things have been beautifully peaceful lately. Life really is so simple.  Love God.  Love yourself.  Love others.  The way to love is to serve with joy.  The willingness to serve with joy comes from forgiveness that extends from the willingness to live and let live.  Above all else, don’t sweat it.  Willingness really is the key.

I made a joke the other day about finding my identity in the midst of Tupperware.  Then it dawned on me that I have found my identity in the midst of being a part of something greater than myself; in the midst of A.A., in the midst of Unity, in the midst of my family.  In my willingness to serve, I found salvation – true freedom.

Life is good.  God is great!

Unmasked Excerpt

Becoming Human

March 24, 1997

 

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I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I saw my therapist today for the first time in a while. I found myself crying my eyes out over the pain of being teased all of my life about being fat. I feel like today was some sort of breakthrough. God, it hurts so badly, but at least I understand where it’s coming from. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good enough to fit in with my peers so I drank, drugged, and sought out my social inferiors. I’m scared to death about not being accepted because somewhere along the way it was ingrained in me that being overweight is totally unacceptable. I feel so sorry for the child that I once was. It was real hell living through that humiliation and shame. Anyway, I hope that this will be the beginning of me learning to love and nurture my child inside and teach her that she is a worthwhile and cherished person. My therapist told me to write her a letter:

Dear Child Paige,

I am so sorry that you had to endure the pain and humiliation of being outcast by your peers. If only I had understood, I would have never let your weight get so out-of-control, but I didn’t understand and the pain of being separated from Mom was just too much. My only comfort was food. It seemed to be my only friend. I want you to know that I think you’re beautiful – inside and out. You’ve got so much to offer other people and the people that you let in really love and care for you. I love and care for you too. I just wish that I could hold you in my arms and assure you that everything is going to be all right because it is. It’s never too late to start over. You’ve got all the time in the world. Relax, take your time, enjoy yourself, and know that you are loved – by me and by God.

Love, Paige

Unmasked Excerpt

Dogged Rebellion

May 31, 1988

 

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