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Posts Tagged ‘self-acceptance’

“Your freedom when it loses its fetters becomes itself the fetter of a greater freedom.” – Kahlil Gibran

This week has been a rude awakening for me. I get to see how I thrive on crisis: how I love to coax unreasonable men into reasonableness; how I find self-worth in “fixing” other people; how I play God. This whole week had been uncomfortable because my husband has been embracing life rather than resisting it. Immediately I began resisting him, trying to keep the turmoil in action … trying to find some sort of balance.

All of this makes me frantic because I’m seeing that I still have issues; that I suffer from a disease that tells me I don’t have one. My first reaction is to beat up on myself for not being perfect or shame myself because I’m not. Ego! Spiritual Pride! Cocky Self-Assurance! Get behind me, Satan! I guess the bottom line is that God has a gentle way of reminding me that He’s God; not me. 

It seems that the deeper I go I find new levels where I have not yet come to believe that I am lovable and worthy. I’m willing, though.

GUESS WHAT? YOU’RE NOT SUPER-HUMAN. YOU CAN’T DO IT ALONE. YOU NEED ME AND YOU NEED OTHER PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE TO LOVE YOU. YOU NEED HIM JUST AS MUCH AS HE HAS NEEDED YOU. IT’S OKAY TO NEED PEOPLE.

I feel like such a fool. I can be so grandiose and self-centered.

PRECIOUS CHILD, IT JUST DOESN’T GET ANY BIGGER ON PLANET EARTH THAN BEING A CHILD OF GOD. I LOVE YOU. EVERYTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE. RELAX. SURRENDER. LET GO.  

I found my security in believing that he needs me to help him and to fix him and to save him. I guess I just realized that he does need me still, but not because of what I can do for him, but for who I am to him. Not doing; being. How many times have I learned that? Our worth comes not from our actions, but from our inherent being. If true to ourselves, then good works just naturally flow. New ideas become old ideas which, when released, give birth to newer ideas ad infinitum. Life’s a trip!

Unmasked Excerpt

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I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I saw my therapist today for the first time in a while. I found myself crying my eyes out over the pain of being teased all of my life about being fat. I feel like today was some sort of breakthrough. God, it hurts so badly, but at least I understand where it’s coming from. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good enough to fit in with my peers so I drank, drugged, and sought out my social inferiors. I’m scared to death about not being accepted because somewhere along the way it was ingrained in me that being overweight is totally unacceptable. I feel so sorry for the child that I once was. It was real hell living through that humiliation and shame. Anyway, I hope that this will be the beginning of me learning to love and nurture my child inside and teach her that she is a worthwhile and cherished person. My therapist told me to write her a letter:

Dear Child Paige,

I am so sorry that you had to endure the pain and humiliation of being outcast by your peers. If only I had understood, I would have never let your weight get so out-of-control, but I didn’t understand and the pain of being separated from Mom was just too much. My only comfort was food. It seemed to be my only friend. I want you to know that I think you’re beautiful – inside and out. You’ve got so much to offer other people and the people that you let in really love and care for you. I love and care for you too. I just wish that I could hold you in my arms and assure you that everything is going to be all right because it is. It’s never too late to start over. You’ve got all the time in the world. Relax, take your time, enjoy yourself, and know that you are loved – by me and by God.

Love, Paige

Unmasked Excerpt

Dogged Rebellion

May 31, 1988

 

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