Paige Thomas DeHart

But if in your fear you would seek only Love’s peace and Love’s pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of Love’s threshing floor into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. – Kahlil Gibran

I feel prompted to “capture” this moment, but this is definitely a day when I don’t want to capture myself.  I want to lose myself.  I’m so sick of myself.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately.  I’m still attached to the need for recognition: to the need to “make my mark” – to the belief that I am nothing unless I do something or be somebody “special,” like there’s such a thing.

I just don’t want to own these shadows; yet another part of myself that I hate.  It’s all just a Catch-22.  I hide – the hiding causes pain – the discovery is too painful – I hide – ad infinitum.  Thank God for being Jesus.

He told me to capture all of this so here goes… either I’m some sort of freaked out crazy weirdo or else – welcome inside the mind of all of us.  Welcome to the places we pretend don’t exist.  Welcome to the depths of sorrow and doubt and discouragement and weariness.  Paul had a thorn in his flesh.  I have a porcupine in mine.  It’s like that for us addicts.  I suspect that it’s like that for us humans, but we’re all too busy putting on pretenses to admit it.

I am utterly depressed.  There’s a part of me that’s locked deep inside – screaming bloody murder to get out.  No five mile run, anti-depressant, drink, or drug can stifle the plea within me.  I know her Hero is on His way, but I see today that this is all a part of the experience; becoming seasoned – to be the salt of the earth.

I picked up a dear old friend today, Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet.  It says so beautifully what I have come to understand to be the reality of existence – of walking with the Lord; whose hands can also be a terribly frightening place to be…

“When Love beckons you, follow Him, though His ways are hard and steep.  And when His wings enfold you yield to Him, though the sword hidden among His pinions may wound you.  And when He speaks to you believe in Him, though His voice may shatter your dreams as the North wind lays waste the garden.

For even as Love crowns you so shall He crucify you.  Even as He is for your growth so is He for your pruning.  Even as He ascends to your heights and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall He descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn He gathers you unto Himself.  He threshes you to make you naked.  He sifts you to free you from your husks.  He grinds you to whiteness.  He kneads you until you are pliant; and then He assigns you to His sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All of these things shall Love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only Love’s peace and Love’s pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of Love’s threshing floor into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.”

Thank You, God.  Thank You for the privilege of suffering. How sweet the pain – and how great the anticipation of its corresponding joy.  For yes, Lord, my pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding – and I understand this: what good is salt if it has lost its savor?  Thank You for the seasoning. Thank You for the texture. Thank You for giving me the ability to sit in serenity through the seasons of my grief; to wait in peace through the violent blows of the threshing floor.  I stand before You; naked and not ashamed – vulnerable and bleeding, but not afraid. How sweet the taste of sadness, Lord, when contrasted to the ecstasy of just one touch of Your seamless garment.

Unmasked Excerpts

The Power Of The Cross

October 19, 2004

Read Full Post »