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Posts Tagged ‘Acceptance’

You cannot discover new oceans until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. – Anonymous

I’ve really been going through it with my daughter.  Who knew that having “grown” kids is more painful and difficult than having little kids?  It really makes me feel for Mom.  My daughter is doing okay, but she is definitely not living the life that I had imagined for her.  Watching her wander to find her way reminds me of my 20’s – and makes me realize how utterly painful it must have been for Mom.  I remember that one of the reasons that her husband did not like me was because of the way I caused Mom to worry.  I get it now.  My pain over my daughter is consuming at times.  I know that all I can do is put her in God’s hands, but it is more painful to watch people you love go through the pain of maturation than going through it yourself.  Like I said, who knew?

There are still a ton of “who knew?’ moments out there for me.  I am just beyond the place of fantasy.  I used to think that I had it all figured out – that I knew exactly what was to come.  Now I know that the best is yet to come, but I have no idea what that looks like – it may even look like a catastrophe.  I am beyond the age that movies and romance novels are made of.  I am a mature woman – on the inside out.  Who knew?  God knew and knows.

The Journey Continues

November 1, 2008

 

 

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What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. – Richard Bach

My daughter’s addiction to methamphetamine continues to worsen.  I can’t even describe the experience.  Each level of pain and loss brings new awareness of letting go and moving closer to God.  All of this really helps me to understand the ideas of detachment and the solitary journey.

My worst fear has always been to lose one of my children.  Now that I have lost my child to something even more heinous than death, I realize that we all lose our children – and ourselves – each and every day.  Each day is a death – and a birth – which makes me see how truly important it is to cherish each day – each and every moment.

However, in the midst of all this pain and loss is hope.  I have unshakeable faith in an omnipotent God and I truly know that the circumstances of this world are mere illusion in comparison to the joy of eternity.  So I give this to You, Lord – knowing and trusting that You know what You’re doing.  Thank You for a pain so deep that I have realized that all that is true is joy.

The Journey Continues

Sunday, July 13, 2014

 

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I want to live from the inside out, not from the outside in. – Hugh Prather

I realize that somewhere along the line, I decided that I should not have to treat him the way I want to be treated.  I felt justified to be shut down with him because of his selfish decisions over the past three years that caused me to have to do more than him in many aspects of our lives.  Anyway, I see that I don’t ever get to take a break from doing the right thing; keeping my side of the street clean, treating others as I want to be treated – not as they treat me.

I have a lot to learn.

The Journey Continues

December 6, 2010

 

 

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This is the very perfection of man, to find out his own imperfections. – Saint Augustine

Another year!  2008 was not fun.  I basically spent the whole year feeling sorry for myself because I have to work and because I am getting old.  Last night, I was half asleep and thinking about Hope and Laurel and what they would be like as adults.  The Spirit jumped in and convicted me about how self-centered I have been in thinking that my life is all about me.  He told me that I have been worried about losing my youth, but that I still have plenty of good years ahead of me participating in the lives of the people that I help – which include the lives of my children – and future grandchildren.  I can be such a brat.

I finally finished formatting all of the step work and then decided to work the steps again myself.  In step two, I realized that I have been having a huge crisis of faith.  I basically just turned from the Lord and decided that I will never trust him again.  I also began to believe that God is not as great as I once believed.  Those lies have been tearing me apart.  I am willing to believe that his promises are true – and that no mind can conceive the good that God has planned for those that love Him.  I love Him, but sometimes it is conditional love.  Like I said, I can be such a brat.

I also heard in my spirit that I had to believe really grandiose things in the past or else I would not have had the motivation to hang in there.  Now, just being able to be content in all situations would be enough for me.  I don’t care anything about being special anymore.

Anyway, it’s another new year.  Time flies when you’re a spoiled brat!

The Journey Continues

January 1, 2009

 

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Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

 “Project Charlie,” a volunteer program that I am teaching at Laurel’s school, is helping me to see that I am someone special … not because I am “chosen” or because I am super-evolved above others, but because there is no one else in the world exactly like me. My value already exists. I don’t have to achieve anything to bring it about. That concept is very hard for me to comprehend. I am already there if being valuable is the objective.  Now, realizing it is a whole different story.

I put Toy Story on for Hope yesterday. The scene that stuck out to me was when Buzz Lightyear realized that he was “just a toy” and not really a “space ranger.”  He was bummed.  I could relate.  Woody told him that there was no such thing as “just a toy.”  He was someone’s toy and the little boy who he belonged to thought that he was a really cool toy.

I know that I have circled through this same thing over and over again, but I guess it’s just a deeper level or something.  It feels like the first time.  Once again, I’m realizing that I am “just a human being.”  However, yesterday I got to see that I am someone’s mother and someone’s wife and someone’s friend and that they love me.  Even more I could see how blessed I am to have these “someones” in my life.

In a sense, we really are nothing without relation to those around us.  Einstein’s theory of relativity goes a lot further than time or space.  I guess the bottom line is that I am seeing that I am not separate from those around me.  We are a part of each other … a part of this cosmic weave called “life.”  I am someone special, but so is everyone.  Once again, on a deeper level, I see that there is no such thing as an ordinary person in an extraordinary world.

Unmasked Excerpt

Becoming Human

March 3, 1998

 

 

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It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.

– Motto of the Christophers

I’ve always known that being alone for a while was inevitable, but I guess I used to think that I’d have a choice. I realize now that I don’t have a choice. I see that when God is ready for me to face something, I have to face it. I can’t escape.

I just don’t know what’s going to happen with Troy. He’s afraid of me after the death threats. Maybe he should be. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself about all of this. I’ve just been trying to pick myself back up and keep on keeping on. Like the motto says, “To try and fail is hopeful.” I haven’t given up yet. I never do.

I truly believe that everything that happens is a part of God’s divine plan. At this point, I’d kind of enjoy an encouraging telegram from Him telling me what I have to look forward to, but I believe that whatever it is, it will be better than I can imagine. I’ve seen dark days before and they passed. They usually even developed into shiny new beginnings.  I believe that it is darkest before the dawn. I just hope that the sun starts shining soon. I feel a little shaky and insecure, but I still have hope that the best is yet to come. I thank God for the painful lessons because I know that this deal with Troy will really help me to grow. I thank God for the privilege of being alive.

Unmasked Excerpt

Broken

May 22, 1991

 

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