From Belief To Trust
We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the Sermon on the Mount. – Omar N. Bradley
April 27, 1998
I don’t know where to start. I guess the bottom line is that all of my prayers and pleas and searching have led me to Jesus. Now I see why I’ve been conflicted. There’s Him and there’s me. I am aware of His presence in me a lot, but the reason there’s still this “other” part is because my self is not yet crucified. Jesus is in me, but we are not one and the same. There is a difference. Of myself I do not have the power to do the right thing. Of myself, I am nothing.
Anyway, I guess the bottom line is that I am truly realizing that this supernatural spiritual journey I have been having for all these years is tied to Jesus and that the work I feel called to do is His work that He began and continues to do through me and the other vessels.
I have been so competitive and unfair towards Jesus. My pride wanted to tell me that I am equal to Him on my own merit. My recent experience with the Fourth Step showed me that on my own merit, I should be dead. I need to accept that this love and loftiness that is in me is not me and that I cannot claim it for my own glory. It is mine in order to do what is the will of God. I have been wrong.
I’m just blown away by this majestic power that is yanking the shingles from my eyes. I truly feel like Saul/Paul. I made and continue to make many mistakes, but have been blinded by the light of Jesus after many years of persecuting Him in the name of God. My eyes are seeing clearly now and all I can say is Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior of my life.
Christianity is not a message which has to be believed, but an experience of faith that becomes a message. – Edward Schillebeeckx
August 23, 1998
My life is moving in a direction of greater accountability and responsibility, but I cannot be hyper-responsible for everything. Lately, I’ve been acting with great responsibility, but becoming painfully aware that I am absolutely powerless over outcomes.
I’ve been having surges of feeling very depressed and anxious, but I think I’m just scared because my dream is coming true and I’m starting to get a glimpse of the pressure that is involved with this sort of thing. When you have a public life, people don’t love you – they assassinate you. I’m afraid of failing.
I guess the good news is that it doesn’t really matter what happens because it’s God’s deal. The world doesn’t really need my contribution – I just need to make it as an act of my own creativity. I guess that’s what Richard Bach meant in Illusions when he said that we can write a beautiful story or tear the pages. I don’t have to do anything. I guess I sometimes take all of this and myself too seriously.
GEE, PAIGE, YOU THINK?
Anyway, I’m getting in touch with my nature to sabotage my successes. I’m still a lot more fearful than I realized. I guess this is a good way for me to see just exactly how much I need God.
I need You, God.
PAIGE, IF A SHADOW LOOMS BEFORE YOU, YOU HAVE TURNED YOUR BACK TO THE LIGHT.
Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you. – Saint Augustine
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