Paige Thomas DeHart

Thank You, God, for the privilege of suffering. How sweet the pain; and how great the anticipation of its corresponding joy. For yes, God, my pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding; and I understand this: what good is salt if it has lost its savor? Thank You for the seasoning. Thank You for the texture. Thank You for giving me the ability to sit in serenity through the seasons of my grief; to wait in peace through the violent blows of the threshing floor. I stand before You; naked and not ashamed; vulnerable and bleeding, but not afraid. How sweet the taste of sadness, God, when contrasted to the ecstasy of just one touch of Your seamless garment. 

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The Spirit told me to capture all of this so here goes… Either I am a crazy weirdo or else; welcome inside the mind of all of us. Welcome to the places we pretend do not exist. Welcome to the depths of sorrow and doubt and discouragement and weariness. Paul had a thorn in his flesh; I have a porcupine in mine. It is like that for us addicts. I suspect that it is like that for us humans, but we are all too busy putting on pretenses to admit it.

I am utterly depressed. There is a part of me that is locked deep inside; screaming bloody murder to get out. No five mile run, anti-depressant, drink, or drug can stifle the plea within me. I know her Hero is on His way, but I see today that this is all a part of the experience; becoming seasoned…to be the salt of the earth.

I picked up a dear old friend today: Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet. It says so beautifully what I have come to understand to be the reality of existence; of walking with God, whose hands can also be a terribly frightening place to be.

 “When Love beckons you, follow Him, though His ways are hard and steep. And when His wings enfold you yield to Him, though the sword hidden among His pinions may wound you. And when He speaks to you believe in Him, though His voice may shatter your dreams as the North wind lays waste the garden.

For even as Love crowns you so shall He crucify you. Even as He is for your growth so is He for your pruning. Even as He ascends to your heights and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall He descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn He gathers you unto Himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; and then He assigns you to His sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All of these things shall Love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only Love’s peace and Love’s pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of Love’s threshing floor into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.”

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Pausing is an uncomfortable experience for me. There is still a deep pain inside of me. I am so ready for God to take it. Less of me, more of Him: none of me, all of Him.  

The deep pain is the fear that God will not take care of me. It is the part of me that still does not trust Him. But I cannot change that because my will power cannot conquer self will. I just have to wait and pray; believe and surrender.

The Spirit told me to be patient; that there is major internal reconstruction being done. That is exactly how it feels: like a giant wrecking ball is knocking down walls that have old and heinous stench behind them. There is so much rage and hostility wrapped around that inherent fear of being alone and unloved. 

I know that God will unravel all of this. I am ready. May God tear down all of my walls and create a huge empty space that the Spirit may fill.

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I feel prompted to “capture” this moment, but this is definitely a day when I do not want to capture myself. I want to lose myself. I am sick of my self.  

I have been struggling. I am still attached to the need for recognition: to the need to “make my mark;” to the belief that I am nothing unless I do something or be somebody “special”….like there is such a thing.

I just do not want to own these shadows; yet another part of myself that I hate. It is all just a Catch-22: I hide, the hiding causes pain, the discovery is too painful, I hide….ad infinitum. Thank God for being Jesus.

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YOU CRY TO ME TO SEE MY FACE; TO EXPERIENCE ME IN EXTREME AND SPECTACULAR WAYS. LET ME REMIND YOU THAT YOU HAVE HAD MANY SUCH EXPERIENCES. HOWEVER, YOU HAVE MANY TIMES USED THEM TO DISTINGUISH YOURSELF FROM OTHERS AND, THEREFORE, TO DIVIDE AND SEPARATE. I NOW CHARGE YOU WITH THE GREATEST CHALLENGE, WHICH WILL ALSO BE THE FULFILLMENT OF YOUR HEART’S CRY TO SEE ME AND TO KNOW ME. I AM EVERYWHERE! EXPOSE ME. SEE ME. KNOW ME. UNMASK ME IN EVERYONE YOU ENCOUNTER.

Holy Spirit Download 

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This week I heard a preacher say that who we are in Heaven is contingent on how well we respond to the onslaught of hell that comes against our lives. Someone else said that we bow to the enemy when we succumb to judgment, fear, doubt, etc.… This was very important because the Holy Spirit then reminded me that what He is able to do through me is contingent with what He is able to do in me. I sometimes (a lot of times) get distracted with impatience in waiting for Him to move the circumstances of my life when, in reality, He is waiting on me to move out of the way as He perfects that which is within me.  

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I am starting to understand the real issues and pressures of being a leader; leadership is definitely more than just being in charge. One of the hardest aspects of leadership is making decisions for the whole that disturb the few. Let’s face it; you cannot please all of the people anytime! But that’s the point; it is not about “pleasing” people, but about making sound decisions that edify the whole. Upsetting the few is not fun to walk through, though. Leaders definitely have to have a good balance between the courage of their own convictions and their willingness to listen to others. I definitely need to work on listening to others and counting to at least 10 (maybe 1000) until I respond.

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Jack Hayford said that prophecies say that God’s children will help in establishing His Kingdom. He said that it is not that God “could not” do it Himself, but that He “won’t” without the invocation from others; He does not go where He is not invited. That makes me think of “God could and would if He were sought.” 

Michael Usef said that “falling from grace” is falling into legalism: in other words, trying to do it yourself. These are great things to consider.  

Hayford also said that our prayers are put on our hearts as a promise. All of these teachings give me great hope because the prayer of my heart is that all may know that Jesus is Lord and that they may receive His love and mercy.

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Christianity has always aggravated me because it seemed that the Gospel insinuated that a loving God will smite us to hell if we don’t accept Jesus: but the Bible says, “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already.” (John 3:17-18)  

We are already condemned without Jesus! The “accuser” is holding us hostage; telling us that we are nothing, that we don’t matter, that the world is not safe, etc. Condemnation itself is the captor!  

A lot of people cannot accept Jesus as Savior because they do not really understand that they are in bondage. It reminds me of the movie, The Matrix. We are all being held captive in a situation that is so deceptive that we are not consciously aware of it. At certain times, we get the creepy feeling that something is not quite right, but we just can’t figure it out. In the movie, the ones who have broken free offer the “red pill” to the ones who want to know the real truth. The red pill is like accepting Jesus. Hey everybody, take the red pill so we can get out of the matrix!

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In regard to Christian doctrine, the big mystery seems to be how evil could exist if God created everything; why does He allow it? I believe that we had to be expelled from the Garden in order to understand the folly of self-will and to be able to live there as mature children of God instead of nursing babies. Like Augustine said, “For were it not good that evil things should also exist, the omnipotent God would almost certainly not allow evil to be, since beyond doubt it is just as easy for Him not to allow what He does not will, as for Him to do what He will.”

Sin is similar to homeopathic medicine. It was allowed into our spirits for us to learn to overwhelming it. Our identity as being created in the image and likeness of God was allowed to be corrupted by self in order for us to understand our absolute need for total dependence on God. The Spirit of God incarnated as a human, demonstrated true surrender and forgiveness, rose from the dead, and sends His Spirit to all who believe in order to restore our identities.

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