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Archive for the ‘Inside Hopelessness’ Category

Inside Hopelessness: Self-Hatred – My Own Worst Enemy

Posted in Inside Hopelessness, tagged , , , , on August 31, 2014| Leave a Comment »

The following is dedicated to raising awareness about addiction and mental illness: posted in loving memory of all who have lost their lives or are suffering from mental illness and/or addiction.

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people. – Alcoholics Anonymous

This week I spent a lot more time with my daughter and it made me realize how much I have plain and simply neglected her. God, I’ve been carrying around so much guilt about it. I really have been lazy and have not wanted to exert the energy necessary for parenting. I’ve been lying in bed all day and letting everyone else do my job. That’s very painful to accept. I’ve been blaming all my sleeping on my anti-depressants when it’s really because I want to avoid life.

Mom wrote me a letter and told me that Laurel needs me and that the more I just lay around, the more slovenly I will become. It kind of made me angry, but only because it was so true. “Slovenly”—I hate that word, but that is what I have become. I’ve just been lying around, stuffing my face, and complaining about what a raw deal life has given me. As much as I don’t want to admit it, life is just like the program – you get out what you put in. Unfortunately, most of my life I’ve been a taker and haven’t invested any time in cultivating a life for myself. It’s sad, but true.

Oh well, I’m not going to beat myself up over who I am. There’s bound to be something good about me. I just don’t see it at this time in my life. I am truly my own worst enemy.

Unmasked Excerpt

Dark Valley

July 29, 1989

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Inside Hopelessness: Bulimia – Afraid Of The Light

Posted in Inside Hopelessness, tagged , , , , , on August 21, 2014| Leave a Comment »

This series of excerpts is dedicated to raise awareness about addiction and mental illness: posted in loving memory of Robin Williams and all who have lost their lives or are suffering from mental illness and/or addiction.

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark.  The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. – Plato

I got a ridiculous brainstorm to do some crank to suppress my appetite. It really messed me up. I haven’t slept for two days and I’m depressed. I don’t know what to do. I’m plunging ahead when I don’t even know who I am or where I’m going. I just don’t think that I’m going to make it.

I saw my therapist today and went to the eating disorder group.  It’s so obvious that I need to quit drinking and doing drugs again, but I don’t feel up to it. It’s too painful and I just can’t handle it. I don’t know which is worse – the drug addiction and alcoholism or the eating disorder. All I know is that I’d rather be drunk than fat.

I don’t know if I’ll ever sober up and fly right. The bulimia has me near death – vomiting blood, bloating, and severe headaches. I don’t think that I’m ever going to get it together. The worst part is that I don’t even know if I want to. It’s just too hard. I feel as though I’m doomed to live in darkness forever.

Unmasked Excerpt

Dark Valley

September 1, 1988

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Inside Hopelessness: Suicidal Tendencies – Beginning The Turn

Posted in Inside Hopelessness, tagged , , , , , on August 19, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Life is a banquet.  And the tragedy is that most people are starving to death.. – Anthony DeMello

I did some crystal and drank some drinks, but they didn’t work. I prayed a minute ago because I keep thinking about suicide; even though I know with every fiber of my being that I cannot kill myself. I must live for my daughter if nothing else. She’s so beautiful and I love her so much.

I believe (hope) that this is just the beginning of an upward slope. I have to take it one day at a time because if I try to go much farther than that, I panic.  My hopes and dreams for my life seem very far out of reach. I want an education, a home of our own for the baby and me, a decent career so that I can take care of her, a healthy and loving relationship with a man, and most importantly, the ability to love and care for myself and to enjoy being the person that I am. I really believe that all of this will materialize as soon as I stop feeling lonely, depressed, and sorry for myself and start taking the steps necessary to get the mega-load of work accomplished that a dream like this requires.

I’ve always tried the softer, easier route, but I just can’t do that anymore because it won’t take me to the same place. Richard Bach says that “You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true.”  I believe that.

Tonight I spent a lot of time wishing that I could settle for so much less, but I can’t. For today, I know what I want so I guess it’s what I deserve to have. I am determined to grow – in spite of myself. Someday, I’ll be happy. I know I will. I believe in God with all my heart and I believe that my dreams are there for a reason. The prayers I said are working. I’m feeling better.

You may have to work for it, however. – Richard Bach

Unmasked Excerpt

Dogged Rebellion

January 16, 1988

 

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Inside Hopelessness: Addiction – Living Hell

Posted in Inside Hopelessness, tagged , , , , , on August 17, 2014| Leave a Comment »

This series of excerpts is dedicated to raise awareness about addiction and mental illness: posted in loving memory of Robin Williams and all who have lost their lives or are suffering from mental illness and/or addiction.

You are always a slave to what you are not aware of. – Anthony DeMello

Three weeks already! I’ve been out of the program – out of my mind. I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve been learning a few things, but I’m still riding the endless merry-go-round of party-hangover-sometimes lucid moments. I’m slipping back into my old ways. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know if I’ll make it, and I don’t feel confident in my actions. I’m lost.

I hope with all of my heart that God is really there and that if I hang on tight, I’ll make it through with Him at my side. I can’t believe how scary life has become. I need God’s help desperately right now, but I don’t know exactly how to pray. I just want God’s way. I don’t want to live or die in hell. I feel as though I’m very familiar with what hell is – no control – self-will run riot. I want so much more.

Unmasked Excerpt

Dark Valley

August 22, 1988

 

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Inside Hoplessness: Depression – The Downward Spiral

Posted in Inside Hopelessness, tagged , , , , , , , on August 16, 2014| 1 Comment »

The following is dedicated to raise awareness concerning addiction and mental illness: posted in loving memory of Robin Williams and all who have lost their lives or are suffering from mental illness and/or addiction.

It’s not that we fear the place of darkness, but that we don’t think we are worth the effort to find the place of light. – Hugh Prather

I feel terrible right now. I’m so depressed and suicidal again. I need to be in a hospital, but I have my doubts that it will happen. The realization of how sick I am is overwhelming. I am a very sick woman and I don’t seem to be getting any better. My relationships don’t work because of my mental illness and neither does my life. I know that the Twelve Steps have helped people that were as sick as I am, but I still don’t have very much hope. I keep winding down more and more. Once again, I’m caught in the downward spiral. I literally don’t want to get out of bed at this point. I can’t feel any joy. It seems like the whole world is enjoying life without me.

I wish so much that I hadn’t taken that drink, but I’ve got to admit that I feel so bad that I could do it again. But now I see what they mean – there’s no situation so bad that taking a drink won’t make it worse. This too shall pass. I need God. I need support. I need professional help. A sick mind does not heal itself.

Unmasked Excerpt

Dark Valley

August 17, 1989

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