I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. – Oriah Mountain Dreamer
I saw my therapist today for the first time in a while. I found myself crying my eyes out over the pain of being teased all of my life about being fat. I feel like today was some sort of breakthrough. God, it hurts so badly, but at least I understand where it’s coming from. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good enough to fit in with my peers so I drank, drugged, and sought out my social inferiors. I’m scared to death about not being accepted because somewhere along the way it was ingrained in me that being overweight is totally unacceptable. I feel so sorry for the child that I once was. It was real hell living through that humiliation and shame. Anyway, I hope that this will be the beginning of me learning to love and nurture my child inside and teach her that she is a worthwhile and cherished person. My therapist told me to write her a letter:
Dear Child Paige,
I am so sorry that you had to endure the pain and humiliation of being outcast by your peers. If only I had understood, I would have never let your weight get so out-of-control, but I didn’t understand and the pain of being separated from Mom was just too much. My only comfort was food. It seemed to be my only friend. I want you to know that I think you’re beautiful – inside and out. You’ve got so much to offer other people and the people that you let in really love and care for you. I love and care for you too. I just wish that I could hold you in my arms and assure you that everything is going to be all right because it is. It’s never too late to start over. You’ve got all the time in the world. Relax, take your time, enjoy yourself, and know that you are loved – by me and by God.
Love, Paige
Unmasked Excerpt
Dogged Rebellion
May 31, 1988
Paige Thomas DeHart 
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