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Posts Tagged ‘self-examination’

Unmasked Excerpt: April 27, 1998

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 17: From Belief To Trust, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on April 17, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

I don’t know where to start. I guess the bottom line is that all of my prayers and pleas and searching have led me to Jesus. Now I see why I’ve been conflicted. There’s Him and there’s me. I am aware of His presence in me a lot, but the reason there’s still this “other” part is because my self is not yet crucified. Jesus is in me, but we are not one and the same. There is a difference. Of myself I do not have the power to do the right thing. Of myself, I am nothing.

Anyway, I guess the bottom line is that I am truly realizing that this supernatural spiritual journey I have been having for all these years is tied to Jesus and that the work I feel called to do is His work that He began and continues to do through me and the other vessels.

I have been so competitive and unfair towards Jesus. My pride wanted to tell me that I am equal to Him on my own merit. My recent experience with the Fourth Step showed me that on my own merit, I should be dead. I need to accept that this love and loftiness that is in me is not me and that I cannot claim it for my own glory. It is mine in order to do what is the will of God. I have been wrong.

I’m just blown away by this majestic power that is yanking the shingles from my eyes. I truly feel like Saul/Paul. I made and continue to make many mistakes, but have been blinded by the light of Jesus after many years of persecuting Him in the name of God. My eyes are seeing clearly now and all I can say is Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior of my life.

Christianity is not a message which has to be believed, but an experience of faith that becomes a message.- Edward Schillebeeckx

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Unmasked Excerpt: April 1, 1998

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , on April 15, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

As I uncover my delusional process, I see how truly “insane” I can be. It’s more than taking the first drink, it’s more than the crazy things I did while drinking, and it’s more than doing the same thing over and over again – expecting different results. Insanity is believing two things that oppose one another.

I can see that the recovery process is a continual process that is like gardening.  I recently reread The Parable of the Weeds (Matthew13:24-30) that shed some light on what is going on with me.  Jesus said not to pull the weeds while the good seed is still a seedling – to let them grow side by side until the good seed is a strong vine – to pull the weeds at the time of the harvest.  The lies inside of me are the weeds.

When you drop your errors you will know the truth. – Anthony DeMello

 

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Unmasked Excerpt: March 16, 1998

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , on April 13, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

The sermon at church was about Jesus’ seamless life; absolutely no delineation between His intentions and His actions. How could I have been so deluded as to think that I have achieved such a thing?  I’m pretty disgusted with this ego of mine. My head is full of knowledge, but knowledge without love is worthless. I know a lot of things – so much that people might really think I know what I’m talking about. I can’t even open my eyes without the power of God’s love.

I am confused because I am not sure if I am beating up on myself for being imperfect or if I am becoming aware of how truly self-centered and mean-spirited I can be; probably a little of both, but I suspect more of the latter.

One of my daily readers made reference today that our singleness of purpose is to work on improving the quality of human relationships as opposed to striving for material success. How can I be so backwards?  I stink in relationships.  I want more than anything to be a truly loving and supportive wife and mother rather than treating everyone as if they’re extensions of me and then withholding approval or attention if they don’t comply with my every demand, but I am powerless to do those things.  Help!!!

I believe in my heart of hearts that God is taking care of this because it is coming into my awareness so fiercely.  Still, seeing what a jerk I can be is very painful.

 

Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. – Richard Bach

 

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Unmasked Excerpt: March 3, 1998

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , on February 14, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

I have really been tapping into the core of my being and it is not the exhilarating experience that I had imagined.  I am in touch with the fact that at a very deep level I believe that I am inherently flawed and defective.  I am absolutely driven by a thousand forms of fear and delusion.  I had no idea that I was so afraid.  It’s actually a bit disconcerting.  It seems as though, in many ways, my ego has been masquerading as God.

At least as a result of this, I can see on a whole new level that, of myself, I am nothing. I realize that all of this does not necessarily change anything as far as my goals and aspirations go, but it is changing everything concerning my motives.  My tremendous need for recognition has come from deep, unmet needs for validation.  External recognition is probably the last thing I really need right now because my ego gobbles it up before it ever makes it to my center.

“Project Charlie,” a volunteer program that I am teaching at Laurel’s school, is helping me to see that I am someone special … not because I am “chosen” or because I am super-evolved above others, but because there is no one else in the world exactly like me. My value already exists. I don’t have to achieve anything to bring it about. That concept is very hard for me to comprehend. I am already there if being valuable is the objective.  Now, realizing it is a whole different story.

I put Toy Story on for Hope yesterday. The scene that stuck out to me was when Buzz Lightyear realized that he was “just a toy” and not really a “space ranger.”  He was bummed.  I could relate.  Woody told him that there was no such thing as “just a toy.”  He was someone’s toy and the little boy who he belonged to thought that he was a really cool toy.

I know that I have circled through this same thing over and over again, but I guess it’s just a deeper level or something.  It feels like the first time.  Once again, I’m realizing that I am “just a human being.”  However, yesterday I got to see that I am someone’s mother and someone’s wife and someone’s friend and that they love me.  Even more I could see how blessed I am to have these “someones” in my life.

In a sense, we really are nothing without relation to those around us.  Einstein’s theory of relativity goes a lot further than time or space.  I guess the bottom line is that I am seeing that I am not separate from those around me.  We are a part of each other … a part of this cosmic weave called “life.”  I am someone special, but so is everyone.  Once again, on a deeper level, I see that there is no such thing as an ordinary person in an extraordinary world.

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Unmasked Excerpt: February 21, 1998

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , , on January 21, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

This extensive method of doing the Fourth Step is showing me the truth behind my ideas of myself.  I guess it’s showing me the beliefs of my heart … and some of them are very different from what my head says.  I guess the journey from the head to the heart is the longest journey, but once again, I cannot “put new wine in old wine skins.” (Matthew 9:17)  I must deny the lies before I can really believe the truth, but before I can deny them, I must identify them.

For example, because of an ingrained belief that I will “never beat Dad,” my heart whispers “Don’t win.”  However, my head clamors “I am a winner.”  No wonder I swing from one extreme to the other.  No wonder I’m an egomaniac with low self-esteem.  I’m beginning to see that the ideas imprinted in my heart were done so by a small child with a very limited perspective.  No wonder growing up was so difficult.  What I’m beginning to see is that what I want to be when I grow up is grown up.

Even though some of these realizations are painful because I am experiencing some ancient frozen emotions, I am pleased with the course that my life and recovery are taking.  The hot-shot hero is fading away and a real person is coming into focus.  All is well.  What a gracious Father.

Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect. – Matthew 5:48

In Greek, perfect means “complete or of full age.”

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November 22, 1997 – February 7, 1998

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

November 22, 1997

I started my new Fourth Step.  I really didn’t see the point in doing it until I read the journal from ’88.  For the first time I could see why everyone was so mad at me. I was a selfish fool.  I just thought everyone was picking on me.  When I saw the truth, I knew I had to get to the roots.

This is the very perfection of man, to find out his own imperfections. – Saint Augustine

January 5, 1998

I have felt disconnected.  It’s becoming obvious to me that being a perfectionist and over-achiever is not an asset – it’s a cover-up.  Trying to hide my weakness with cocky bravado is a form of denial.  I need to kiss my demons, not bury them.  This is what “do not to resist an evil person” (Matthew 5:39) means to me.

February 7, 1998

I’ve been doing the “Big Book Awakening” Fourth Step, which has put me on an emotional roller-coaster; torn between sadness, anger, and fear. Thank God that my mentality is focused so that I can process this experience with discernment rather than just freak out with utter fear that I am going insane.

I can see that I have been deeply programmed to believe that negative emotional excess is crazy … that I better stuff it and not let anyone know how unmanageable my feelings really are. Thank God for books and people who have gone through this process. They validate for me that weepiness, anxiety, and rage are all a part of the unmasking.

I am not crazy and God will pull me through this. Although I am terribly uncomfortable, this too shall pass. Even though I am tempted to judge this as a “bad” experience, I know that it will lead to more freedom and authenticity. I’m ready, willing, and able to rise above all limitations within me … with God’s help.

This inventory process is showing me how emotionally unavailable I have really been. It’s hard for me to believe that “Miss A.A./Miss One-With-God” has been yet another disguise for my ego; another mask for my deep-seeded fears and insecurities.

To get into the core of God at his greatest, one must first get into the core of himself at his least, for no one can know God who has not first known himself. – Meister Eckhart

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June 3 – July 31, 1997

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , , , on November 16, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

June 3, 1997

Sometimes, I think of myself as “nicer” than I really am because I judge myself by my thoughts and feelings rather than by my actions. If I’m having “happy” thoughts, I believe myself to be nice. I guess I’m sometimes oblivious to my actions and the effect that they have on others. This helps me to understand principles like “act your way into right thinking,” “examine your motives,” and “don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides” better. However, true authenticity is to have my actions and thoughts aligned. I’ve got a long way to go.

Better to return and make a net, than to go down the stream and merely wish for fish. –  Chinese Proverb

July 4, 1997

Life is so good.  The best thing about it is that I truly believe that no matter what happens, “good” or “bad,” I can endure because nothing has the power to remove God’s love and grace from my life; not even death.  What a trip!  Anyway, the pieces are falling into place and my work is beginning.  God only knows that I am willing to go as far as He’ll take me.  In Christ I live and move and have my being. (Acts 17:28)

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.- <st1:bcv_smarttag>Romans 8:38-39

July 28, 1997

I’ve realized that I am finally free to trust … not that people won’t let me down or that there will not be times that I don’t feel pain or that life will never be messy, but that always there is more to learn.

July 31, 1997

There’s a big difference between giving advice and sharing my experience.

Only he who is able to articulate his own experience can offer himself to others as a source of clarification. – Henri Nouwen

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April 28 – May 7, 1998

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , , , on November 15, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

April 28, 1997

I’ve been in turmoil lately because of my selfishness and self-centeredness. I realized that my “lovingness” is usually only there when there’s a pay-off for my ego. How sickening to realize the depth of my self-centeredness.  It even disguises itself as love.  Anyway, needless to say, I have a tendency to feel hopeless, but I know better.  I truly believe that God has a plan for me.

There are two types of selfishness.  The first type is the one where I give myself the pleasure of pleasing myself.  That’s what we generally call self-centeredness.  The second is when I give myself the pleasure of pleasing others.  That would be a more refined kind of selfishness. – Anthony DeMello

May 7, 1997

For the first time in years, I have felt really confused about what’s going on inside of me. I have been seeing some stuff about myself that is very disappointing. Even worse, I realize that I am powerless. I guess that’s not “even worse” since “powerless” is a good place to be in a Twelve Step program. I’m at Step One with some character defects that are becoming quite debilitating.

I have a tendency to be hurtful to the people I care about the most. My hurtfulness basically stems from nitpicking (perfectionism), down talking (superiority/pride), and complaining (self-centeredness). Basically, I’m bottoming out with self-centered, perfectionist, control issues. Ouch!

I’m tired of being a hurtful grouch. I’m either high on the mountaintop – superior to everyone—or a total jerk. I complain that I don’t want to be like everyone else, but that’s just my ego telling me that I’m unique or different.  I am like everyone else.  I am a child of God.

One of the things I really respect about Randy is that he has limits concerning the amount of unacceptable behavior that he is willing to tolerate from me.  That scares me sometimes because I fear that I can’t change, but it also stops the tornado and helps me gain clarity.  I know that I can’t change myself, but I truly believe that God can and is changing me according to my willingness to surrender.

That’s what blows my mind: I can be an alcoholic tornado whirling destruction through the lives of those I love and not even recognize it.  Talk about denial!  The good news is that rather than wallow in self-pity because, once again, I’ve realized that I’m not as nice as I fancied myself to be, I can be grateful that I’m at a turning point for new horizons.

My journey has taken me so far that sometimes I tend to think that I have “arrived,” but I remember now that it never ends.  There is no permanent plateau.  That’s exciting and even a bit unbelievable.  I’m already at places I never dreamed of.  However, when Randy talks about “building a life” and I feel confused because I don’t know what he’s talking about, I see that I have a long way to go.  I remember when the word “loyalty” baffled me.  I remember when I didn’t understand the concept of the word “consequences.”  I remember when the word “God” made me angry.  I have a long way to go, but I have also come a long way.  At least now I understand that if I don’t understand what someone is talking about, I’m the one who’s in the dark.  It doesn’t mean that they don’t understand what they are talking about.

More good news is that these issues are messing with me like never before because, for the first time, I’m attempting to form a true partnership with another human being – however feeble the attempt.  I just need to get with the program and forget about what it is I think I want and need.  Sometimes I totally forget that I blew my chance at running my own life and that I have no right to complain about or dictate the circumstances in my life.  Left to my own devices, I would be dead.

Dead, Paige, Dead!

God saved me. I am here to represent Him.

I’m realizing how selfless a person needs to be to have a real life.  I see that one of the reasons that I never tried to step up to the plate was that I didn’t know how.  Another was that I was just too self-centered to bother.  I find myself thinking, “If I keep spending my whole life just doing for others, what will be left of me?”

Just the REAL you – silly fool!

So the difference between “the boys and the men” is the difference between striving for a self-determined objective and for the perfect objective which is of God. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

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March 1-24, 1997

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , on November 14, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

“Know Thyself” was written over the portal of the antique world. Over the portal of the new world, “Be Thyself” shall be written. That is the secret of Christ. – Oscar Wilde

March 1, 1997

I have been having a recurring dream that I live in a house and realize that there is a whole wing of the house that is uninhabited.  At one point in the dream, it occurs to me that I should start using the extra rooms.  I finally figured out what the dream meant and then I quit having it.

Anyway, to me the dream is saying that I am my house and the uninhabited wings are the parts of me that are yet to be discovered.  They are the possibilities for me if I dare to cross my comfortable thresholds and explore beyond the present boundaries of where I live and move and have my being.  Like Jesus said, “In My Father’s house are many mansions.” (John 14:2)

I came to this momentous realization because of coaching Laurel’s YMCA basketball team.  God, I was terrified and now it’s just another part of me.  I stepped forward and did something new (and frightening) and added a new dimension to my experience (my consciousness).

The farther I progress into my transformative process, I understand the jargon of the program better – like doing the same thing over and over again; expecting different results.  My experience was very limited (partying and making up my own rules as I went along) and I was absolutely unwilling to do anything that I couldn’t be a know-it-all at.  That didn’t leave much room for growth.

When I came to the program, my only goal was to clean up the mess that was my life.  As I worked the Steps, the debris was cleared and power became available to actually build something. Anyway, life has been interesting lately.

I’ve found myself feeling negatively towards Randy because I’ve been self-centered and thinking that his actions are about me. I know I just have to let Randy do things the way he does things (rather I approve or not) and if I don’t like it, keep it to myself (unless it is legitimately my business; which it usually is not).

If he wants to be messy, I have to let him.  If I want the house to be neat, I have to clean up after him. I can request, but I cannot demand.  I get hung up on thinking that my way is the best way to do things.  Even if I do know a better way, so what?  Please help me to leave Randy alone, Father!  I really do love him and I don’t want to destroy this relationship with my attitude of superiority.  Help me to live and let live and not to criticize, shame, and judge.

When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. -  Alcoholics Anonymous

March 24, 1997

The prayer about leaving Randy alone worked wonders. I can’t even remember what that was about. The bottom line is that everything ebbs and flows; including Randy and me. Things have been beautifully peaceful lately. Life really is so simple.  Love God.  Love yourself.  Love others.  The way to love is to serve with joy.  The willingness to serve with joy comes from forgiveness that extends from the willingness to live and let live.  Above all else, don’t sweat it.  Willingness really is the key.

I made a joke the other day about finding my identity in the midst of Tupperware.  Then it dawned on me that I have found my identity in the midst of being a part of something greater than myself; in the midst of A.A., in the midst of Unity, in the midst of my family.  In my willingness to serve, I found salvation – true freedom.

Life is good.  God is great!

It is more blessed to give than to receive. – Acts 20:35

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January 30, 1997

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 15: Home At Last, tagged , , , , , , , on November 13, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

January 30, 1997

Sometimes I have such bittersweet feelings because I know that this precious time when Hope is my little baby is so fleeting. However, how do I know that there aren’t more precious times ahead with Hope and Laurel and Mike? Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been all of my life. I guess looking forward to the best that was yet to come. I realize that better things may very well be coming, but that the best, so far, is right here and right now. Who cares if this great and poignant beauty of life is not forever? It’s here and I see it. I am experiencing it.

Sometimes I just hate the way that joy and sorrow are so similar. I guess the seeming polarity is what keeps it all in balance; in perspective – what keeps it all from becoming mundane and keeps me from becoming complacent.

I am enjoying motherhood so immensely. It’s still so hard not to suffer over what I missed with Laurel, but that’s just another way of depriving myself out of enjoying my time with her right now while she’s my sweet 9-year-old. She’s such a beauty; so smart and inherently generous, sensitive, and sweet. I am so blessed to have such precious children; and to have such a gentle and loving husband. We have come such a long way together. I don’t even recognize us anymore yet the peace between us is so anciently familiar. We are truly learning to live and let live. I have a wonderful life. I just need to quit being so dramatic and not let the fact that it’s transitory get me down.

That’s just life, Paige, eternal yet so fleeting.

Like Chopra says, it’s just a “parenthesis in eternity” and if we can manage to “touch each other and love each other – it is worthwhile.” My life is worthwhile. I have no cares for tomorrow for my present moment is well lived.

Thank You, God.

The issue of guilt over Laurel’s early childhood continued to plague me for many weeks. The intense joy I experienced as Hope’s mother grieved me because I knew that it was the first time that I was capable of truly being present for the experience of motherhood. Many times I tearfully cried to God to help me forgive myself.  He gently reminded me that I had been mentally ill when Laurel was a baby and that I had done the best that I could. Nonetheless, I still could not release the horrible sense of self-condemnation concerning the issue.

As mentioned in the opening chapter, I was separated from my own mother at age 9 because she had to go to a mental institution for a year.  Afterwards, we lived with Dad so I missed the experience of growing up in a home with a mother.  For most of my life, I greatly resented Mom over this and considered her to be “weak.”  I believed that if she had really loved me, she would have fought to keep me.

During this ordeal with myself over Laurel and the Lord’s continuous reminders that I had done my best, He finally made it clear to me that I would find compassion for myself when I found compassion for my mother.  I immediately understood that Mom had done her best as well and I was able to forgive her—and myself. I also realized that I was not a person whose Mommy didn’t love her – I had only believed that I was.  Ultimately, I came to understand that my mother’s loss was even greater than mine.  Being given the truth in exchange for terrible lies is the essence of forgiveness.

It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. – Tom Robbins

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