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Posts Tagged ‘Recovery’

February 14, 1998

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , on January 16, 2013 | 1 Comment »

I had a realization in an Al-Anon meeting: I’ve never really looked at the fact that the objective in communication is to make a connection with the person you’re communicating with. My agenda has always been to get my point across.  I debate and lecture.  My conversations are monologues.  No wonder my only tool for living was a hammer.  I realized this as a result of reading Giving the Love That Heals.  Hendrix and Hunt talk about conscious dialogue … the components being mirroring, validation, and empathy.  I see in my recent inventory that I have a tremendous need to be validated.  That is why I am sometimes overbearing in my opinions.  My opinions are not necessarily the truth.  Wow!

The A.A. literature says that there is a difference between a request and a demand.  That’s news to me.  In my family of origin, there was but one ultimate authority and it was not a loving God, but Dad. There were no “requests” … only orders. The result was either resentful compliance or pure rebellion. This really helps me to understand why a request can be perceived as a demand and why compliance with the requests of other people can feel so much like engulfment.

This new inventory in conjunction with the willingness to see the truth is a real eye-opener. I am grateful to once again be able to see that I am a work in progress. I need to get it through my thick head that the feeling of having arrived equals a resting period.

I must do these things in order to communicate:

Become aware of you (discover you).

Make you aware of me (uncover myself).

Be ready to change during our conversation.

And be willing to reveal my changes to you. – Hugh Prather

 

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February 9, 1998

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , on December 4, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

February 9, 1998

This inventory is showing me that my idea of serenity has been to stand vigilantly at the door of a basement that is full of hungry dogs. I can’t believe how much I’ve lived in my head in order to deny my true emotions. I realize that I am terrified of being vulnerable, of being imperfect, of not being in control, of needing other people, and of making mistakes. In other words, I’m terrified of being human. I can now see that if I deny being driven by fear, I might as well accept that I am being driven by delusion. In denying my vulnerability, I have almost denied the part of me that loves.

Prior to metaphysics and God, I was my emotions and that wasn’t okay either.  Then I became my thoughts, but that was still quite a delusion because I was so out-of-touch with my own weakness and limitation. Hopefully, I’m on my way to integration.

Yesterday, it occurred to me that to invite Jesus to be my personal Savior is not the same thing as saying that I believe that He’s the only way to God.  Even if it is, who cares?  I can’t work out my own salvation with diligence because I keep getting in my own way.  It amazes me how I can continually forget that I am the problem.

Jesus Christ did not come only to teach.  He came to make me what He teaches I should be. – Oswald Chambers

 

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November 22, 1997 – February 7, 1998

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

November 22, 1997

I started my new Fourth Step.  I really didn’t see the point in doing it until I read the journal from ’88.  For the first time I could see why everyone was so mad at me. I was a selfish fool.  I just thought everyone was picking on me.  When I saw the truth, I knew I had to get to the roots.

This is the very perfection of man, to find out his own imperfections. – Saint Augustine

January 5, 1998

I have felt disconnected.  It’s becoming obvious to me that being a perfectionist and over-achiever is not an asset – it’s a cover-up.  Trying to hide my weakness with cocky bravado is a form of denial.  I need to kiss my demons, not bury them.  This is what “do not to resist an evil person” (Matthew 5:39) means to me.

February 7, 1998

I’ve been doing the “Big Book Awakening” Fourth Step, which has put me on an emotional roller-coaster; torn between sadness, anger, and fear. Thank God that my mentality is focused so that I can process this experience with discernment rather than just freak out with utter fear that I am going insane.

I can see that I have been deeply programmed to believe that negative emotional excess is crazy … that I better stuff it and not let anyone know how unmanageable my feelings really are. Thank God for books and people who have gone through this process. They validate for me that weepiness, anxiety, and rage are all a part of the unmasking.

I am not crazy and God will pull me through this. Although I am terribly uncomfortable, this too shall pass. Even though I am tempted to judge this as a “bad” experience, I know that it will lead to more freedom and authenticity. I’m ready, willing, and able to rise above all limitations within me … with God’s help.

This inventory process is showing me how emotionally unavailable I have really been. It’s hard for me to believe that “Miss A.A./Miss One-With-God” has been yet another disguise for my ego; another mask for my deep-seeded fears and insecurities.

To get into the core of God at his greatest, one must first get into the core of himself at his least, for no one can know God who has not first known himself. – Meister Eckhart

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November 11, 1997

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , on November 27, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

November 11, 1997

I recently got involved in an intense study of the A.A. book that intuitively feels important. Randy is interested in it also. Of course, this study guide is the only spiritual book I’ve ever been interested in that I didn’t try to persuade Randy to read. One more time – powerless – that truly is my dilemma.

I’ve been experiencing a great surge of motivation lately to work on the journal project. I really believe in that idea, but on the other hand, I don’t want to delude myself.  I guess it really doesn’t matter because I have truly found what I was looking for and no one can ever take it from me – except my self-will.

For today, my will is to do the will of God. I have been having some awesome experiences lately. God has blessed me with the ability to be helpful; to truly be of service. It is so ironic that the greatest lessons come with simply being willing to do what is mine to do.

We alcoholics crack me up. We go from being totally self-destructive maniacs to wanting to be the next Mother Teresa.  Today, I see that in the first things first department, we have to stop the madness. Next, we have to learn to live a healthy, normal, balanced life.  For most of us, that’s a lifetime achievement.  Then and only then are we able to progress on to “greatness.”  Without the program, my tendency is to do last things first.  Who would have dreamed that being a good mother is more important than being an inspiring speaker?

Well done is better than well said. – Benjamin Franklin

 

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August 21, 1997

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , on November 26, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

August 21, 1997

Well, the circle continues to flow round and round.  I went through a big process of extending love whether I felt like it or not.  Lately, the flow stopped and I’m beginning to understand why.  A Course in Miracles says that everything is either an “act of love or a cry for help.” I have been practicing the recognition of those cries for help in others so that I may meet them with expressions of love.  There’s just one person whose cries for help I fail to recognize – my own.

I guess I’m at a place where I get to practice letting others extend themselves to me. I am a part of this circle also. I am not above or below the humanity and imperfection that seemingly separates us by our broken dreams or the true spirituality that binds us.  Once again, I see the need to come down off my pedestal and to let others love me.  This thing cycles for me.  I realized in ’94 that the Saint Francis Prayer doesn’t just address giving, but once again, I’ve tried to sacrifice my vulnerability in the name of heroism.  I sometimes become a self-appointed “untouchable.” That’s just pride, ego, and self-centered fear.  Anyway, here I am again – a part of the circle of life – learning to love and to be loved.

Help me, Father, to reach out to those in need and to allow others to reach me when I’m in need. My need is Your opportunity to fulfill it and my neighbor’s opportunity to let You be Yourself in him or her.

Remember that, Paige; it’s important.  Every time you hide, you deprive someone that you love the opportunity to practice being loving and helpful.  Others need to be there for you as much as you need to be there for them.  Let others help too, sweetheart.  Everyone must give AND receive.  This is the lesson.

Someday, after we have mastered the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness the energies of Love.  Then, for the second time in history, man will have discovered fire! – Teilhard de Chardin

 

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June 3 – July 31, 1997

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , , , on November 16, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

June 3, 1997

Sometimes, I think of myself as “nicer” than I really am because I judge myself by my thoughts and feelings rather than by my actions. If I’m having “happy” thoughts, I believe myself to be nice. I guess I’m sometimes oblivious to my actions and the effect that they have on others. This helps me to understand principles like “act your way into right thinking,” “examine your motives,” and “don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides” better. However, true authenticity is to have my actions and thoughts aligned. I’ve got a long way to go.

Better to return and make a net, than to go down the stream and merely wish for fish. –  Chinese Proverb

July 4, 1997

Life is so good.  The best thing about it is that I truly believe that no matter what happens, “good” or “bad,” I can endure because nothing has the power to remove God’s love and grace from my life; not even death.  What a trip!  Anyway, the pieces are falling into place and my work is beginning.  God only knows that I am willing to go as far as He’ll take me.  In Christ I live and move and have my being. (Acts 17:28)

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.- <st1:bcv_smarttag>Romans 8:38-39

July 28, 1997

I’ve realized that I am finally free to trust … not that people won’t let me down or that there will not be times that I don’t feel pain or that life will never be messy, but that always there is more to learn.

July 31, 1997

There’s a big difference between giving advice and sharing my experience.

Only he who is able to articulate his own experience can offer himself to others as a source of clarification. – Henri Nouwen

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April 28 – May 7, 1998

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , , , on November 15, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

April 28, 1997

I’ve been in turmoil lately because of my selfishness and self-centeredness. I realized that my “lovingness” is usually only there when there’s a pay-off for my ego. How sickening to realize the depth of my self-centeredness.  It even disguises itself as love.  Anyway, needless to say, I have a tendency to feel hopeless, but I know better.  I truly believe that God has a plan for me.

There are two types of selfishness.  The first type is the one where I give myself the pleasure of pleasing myself.  That’s what we generally call self-centeredness.  The second is when I give myself the pleasure of pleasing others.  That would be a more refined kind of selfishness. – Anthony DeMello

May 7, 1997

For the first time in years, I have felt really confused about what’s going on inside of me. I have been seeing some stuff about myself that is very disappointing. Even worse, I realize that I am powerless. I guess that’s not “even worse” since “powerless” is a good place to be in a Twelve Step program. I’m at Step One with some character defects that are becoming quite debilitating.

I have a tendency to be hurtful to the people I care about the most. My hurtfulness basically stems from nitpicking (perfectionism), down talking (superiority/pride), and complaining (self-centeredness). Basically, I’m bottoming out with self-centered, perfectionist, control issues. Ouch!

I’m tired of being a hurtful grouch. I’m either high on the mountaintop – superior to everyone—or a total jerk. I complain that I don’t want to be like everyone else, but that’s just my ego telling me that I’m unique or different.  I am like everyone else.  I am a child of God.

One of the things I really respect about Randy is that he has limits concerning the amount of unacceptable behavior that he is willing to tolerate from me.  That scares me sometimes because I fear that I can’t change, but it also stops the tornado and helps me gain clarity.  I know that I can’t change myself, but I truly believe that God can and is changing me according to my willingness to surrender.

That’s what blows my mind: I can be an alcoholic tornado whirling destruction through the lives of those I love and not even recognize it.  Talk about denial!  The good news is that rather than wallow in self-pity because, once again, I’ve realized that I’m not as nice as I fancied myself to be, I can be grateful that I’m at a turning point for new horizons.

My journey has taken me so far that sometimes I tend to think that I have “arrived,” but I remember now that it never ends.  There is no permanent plateau.  That’s exciting and even a bit unbelievable.  I’m already at places I never dreamed of.  However, when Randy talks about “building a life” and I feel confused because I don’t know what he’s talking about, I see that I have a long way to go.  I remember when the word “loyalty” baffled me.  I remember when I didn’t understand the concept of the word “consequences.”  I remember when the word “God” made me angry.  I have a long way to go, but I have also come a long way.  At least now I understand that if I don’t understand what someone is talking about, I’m the one who’s in the dark.  It doesn’t mean that they don’t understand what they are talking about.

More good news is that these issues are messing with me like never before because, for the first time, I’m attempting to form a true partnership with another human being – however feeble the attempt.  I just need to get with the program and forget about what it is I think I want and need.  Sometimes I totally forget that I blew my chance at running my own life and that I have no right to complain about or dictate the circumstances in my life.  Left to my own devices, I would be dead.

Dead, Paige, Dead!

God saved me. I am here to represent Him.

I’m realizing how selfless a person needs to be to have a real life.  I see that one of the reasons that I never tried to step up to the plate was that I didn’t know how.  Another was that I was just too self-centered to bother.  I find myself thinking, “If I keep spending my whole life just doing for others, what will be left of me?”

Just the REAL you – silly fool!

So the difference between “the boys and the men” is the difference between striving for a self-determined objective and for the perfect objective which is of God. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

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March 1-24, 1997

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , on November 14, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

“Know Thyself” was written over the portal of the antique world. Over the portal of the new world, “Be Thyself” shall be written. That is the secret of Christ. – Oscar Wilde

March 1, 1997

I have been having a recurring dream that I live in a house and realize that there is a whole wing of the house that is uninhabited.  At one point in the dream, it occurs to me that I should start using the extra rooms.  I finally figured out what the dream meant and then I quit having it.

Anyway, to me the dream is saying that I am my house and the uninhabited wings are the parts of me that are yet to be discovered.  They are the possibilities for me if I dare to cross my comfortable thresholds and explore beyond the present boundaries of where I live and move and have my being.  Like Jesus said, “In My Father’s house are many mansions.” (John 14:2)

I came to this momentous realization because of coaching Laurel’s YMCA basketball team.  God, I was terrified and now it’s just another part of me.  I stepped forward and did something new (and frightening) and added a new dimension to my experience (my consciousness).

The farther I progress into my transformative process, I understand the jargon of the program better – like doing the same thing over and over again; expecting different results.  My experience was very limited (partying and making up my own rules as I went along) and I was absolutely unwilling to do anything that I couldn’t be a know-it-all at.  That didn’t leave much room for growth.

When I came to the program, my only goal was to clean up the mess that was my life.  As I worked the Steps, the debris was cleared and power became available to actually build something. Anyway, life has been interesting lately.

I’ve found myself feeling negatively towards Randy because I’ve been self-centered and thinking that his actions are about me. I know I just have to let Randy do things the way he does things (rather I approve or not) and if I don’t like it, keep it to myself (unless it is legitimately my business; which it usually is not).

If he wants to be messy, I have to let him.  If I want the house to be neat, I have to clean up after him. I can request, but I cannot demand.  I get hung up on thinking that my way is the best way to do things.  Even if I do know a better way, so what?  Please help me to leave Randy alone, Father!  I really do love him and I don’t want to destroy this relationship with my attitude of superiority.  Help me to live and let live and not to criticize, shame, and judge.

When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. -  Alcoholics Anonymous

March 24, 1997

The prayer about leaving Randy alone worked wonders. I can’t even remember what that was about. The bottom line is that everything ebbs and flows; including Randy and me. Things have been beautifully peaceful lately. Life really is so simple.  Love God.  Love yourself.  Love others.  The way to love is to serve with joy.  The willingness to serve with joy comes from forgiveness that extends from the willingness to live and let live.  Above all else, don’t sweat it.  Willingness really is the key.

I made a joke the other day about finding my identity in the midst of Tupperware.  Then it dawned on me that I have found my identity in the midst of being a part of something greater than myself; in the midst of A.A., in the midst of Unity, in the midst of my family.  In my willingness to serve, I found salvation – true freedom.

Life is good.  God is great!

It is more blessed to give than to receive. – Acts 20:35

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November 30, 1996 – January 23, 1997

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 15: Home At Last, tagged , , , , , , , on November 8, 2012 | 2 Comments »

November 30, 1996 – 35th birthday!

Ten years today … on this roller coaster ride to freedom with my God. I can’t believe the changes. No, I can believe them. I do believe them. What a wonder is this God of mine – this power of Life and Love that is the Truth.

I’ve realized that the only thing that really matters in my life is seeking contact with God.  Without that, all of the riches and pleasures of this world would mean nothing.  With it, all of the riches of Heaven are mine in the blinking of an eye.

What a thrill to finally realize that all I really need is right here; available at all times – contingent on nothing but my willingness to seek knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry it out. The rest is just frosting, but I don’t have to have it. There’s a big difference between wanting something and believing that you need it. I have everything I need – always and forever. There’s a lot of freedom in that realization. There’s just a lot of freedom in true living.

Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. – 2 Corinthians 3:17

December 4, 1996

I’ve been in a great place lately; which fires me up. That surge of enthusiasm about the journal being significant is back. Reading Deepak Chopra validates that it’s okay to believe that I have a purpose and that I am capable of making a substantial contribution to my fellows by doing what I do best—writing and public speaking (and chewing gum too!).

The most secret wish that lies at the bottom of your heart is the very thing that God is wishing you to do or to be for Him.  And the birth of that wish in your soul was the voice of God Himself telling you to arise and come up higher because He had need of you. – Emmet Fox

January 23, 1997

I’ve finally decided that I don’t care if the journal is significant or not. If the work is meant to get organized, it will, but I’m tired of concerning myself with it. Sure, I’m willing to share my experience, strength, and hope, but on the other hand, I’m busy living it. I had a nagging feeling about not having enough time to write.  I told myself, “I just have to do something worthwhile.” Then the little voice said, “Living your life is worthwhile.” The little voice is right.

I don’t need the world’s approval for my life to be worthwhile. I just don’t need to be a big deal anymore because being an ordinary human being is enough. My deepest heart’s desire has come true because I’ve found the love, acceptance, and belonging that I believed would come from being “important.” Who would have thought that being a housewife and mother would hold the secrets and treasures of existence?  I wouldn’t have and that point exemplifies exactly just how much I don’t know. I just give up.

I realized the other day that one of the acronyms for GOD is “Good Orderly Direction.”  I see that I confused “direction” with “details.”  All I can do each day is face in God’s direction and let go.  It’s like being a sailboat and God is the wind.  I don’t know which way the wind is going to blow.  I just have to concern myself with getting the sails up; not with painting angels on the side of the boat for all to see.  All I have to do is live; one day at a time.

The other day I was sitting in my rocker, nursing Hope, and listening to Laurel and Mike bicker over homework. I had dinner in the oven and about a million loads of laundry to fold.  All I could think was, “This is fun.”  Last night, I woke up and realized that what I had been experiencing were the sounds and feelings of a “family” – my family.  I guess that’s all I ever really needed – to be a part of a family.  It’s just not over-rated.  I’m just so grateful to be experiencing these simple things.  I’m so grateful to live!  I love my simple, beautiful life.

“What do I want to do in life?” Here I assume a reason for living that is separate from life. – Hugh Prather

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November 21, 1996

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 15: Home At Last, tagged , , , , on November 5, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

November 21, 1996

No matter what hat I wear or role I play or appearance I project, I am still a spiritual child of God. The challenge is to stay in touch with that. I realize that lately I may have been fooling myself into thinking that my service work begins at home.  Somehow, it just doesn’t seem to work that way.  I’ve realized that I want or need for nothing and I can still find discontent within myself.  Rather than letting my cup run over, I try to keep from spilling it.  My priorities can sure get whacked.

External success can sabotage my spiritual growth. The trick is not to lose myself in prosperity. The bottom line is that it is time to give back what has been so freely given to me; to love my neighbor as I love myself; as God has loved me.  It’s time to dive back into my involvement with Alcoholics Anonymous.

I truly believe that I must step up to the plate with my program and live life.  There’s just one deepest heart’s desire that hasn’t been fulfilled yet in my life – to earn an income doing what I love to do; allow God to express Himself through me. I truly believe that if I will extend myself in A.A., that dream will materialize, but that is not my motive.   I have realized that if I don’t extend myself in A.A., I will not be happy because my happiness is not contingent on fulfilling my heart’s desire, but upon extending myself to others.  However, I could never really do that with no ulterior motive until my own needs were met.  What a catch-22.

Anyway, here you go, God.  My desire is to earn an income by doing what I love to do. In the meantime, I’ll do it for free. No, I’ll do it for freedom … from the bondage of self.

What at trip You are, dear Father. I love You with all my heart. Please untangle the knots in this heart of mine as You prepare me for my destiny.  Make me a channel of Your peace.

We are not channels, we are instruments.  Channels give nothing of their own, they just let water run through them.  In our action, we are instruments in God’s hand and He writes beautifully. – Mother Teresa

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