February 18, 1987
I’m going to have a baby! I’ve sort of spilled my marbles all over the path the past few weeks, but I’m slowly but surely picking them up so that I (now we) may continue our journey. The hardest thing for me to learn is thatRomewas not built in a day. Silly me; to think the entire transformation could occur overnight.
There is a long period of reconstruction ahead. – Alcoholics Anonymous
March 14, 1987
I’m living with Aunt Billie and not working. I have changed so much that I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I have changed for the better. My faith is stronger now than ever. God has proved to me in many ways that following the path is worthwhile.
Now, I’m just waiting patiently for the growth and birth of my child. No one’s ever called me “Mom” before.
March 16, 1987
I have been depressed. I miss Ben and I am lonely. Sometimes I get the temptation to just wallow in aching misery, yet I know that to give up is to be defeated. I must go through with this pregnancy even though I am so uncertain of what the future will bring. It is my greatest hope that it will be good. I’m trying to believe that.
I’ve never given my life over to God’s will before and it’s scary, but I know that learning to trust Him is vitally important. I am learning now by doing what I believe to be “right.” It was so much easier to take short cuts.
Not working is very strange for me. Taking financial pressure off of me is putting a lot more pressure on my emotional and spiritual growth. There is no way that I can hide from myself with this much time on my hands. I need strength to fight the temptation to throw it all away. Just getting through this pregnancy without making myself miserable is proving to be one of the most difficult jobs I have ever undertaken.
I’ve come to the conclusion that deep inside I fear that I’m not as creative and capable of giving as I want to believe I am. This is becoming a period of time when I have to prove a lot of things to myself. The desire to “show them” is going away because “they” don’t exist anymore. I am now my own antagonist. Growing is a strange experience.
We must enter into the center of our existence and become familiar with the complexities of our inner lives. – Henri J.M. Nouwen
