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Posts Tagged ‘Kahlil Gibran’

May 31 – August 23, 1996

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 15: Home At Last, tagged , , , , , on October 30, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

May 31, 1996

The beat goes on. We’ve been going through the wringer over our inabilities to grow up and to face responsibility. I’ve never thought about things like job security and insurance benefits for my family. I’ve been such a child for such a long time.

It’s three months until the baby comes. I can’t imagine getting any bigger than I already am. This pregnancy shows!  Anyway, for today, I accept it.  Hope’s a kicking little jumping bean. I’m looking really forward to meeting her (and to being able to resume my fitness regime). This pregnancy has been stressful, but it has helped both Randy and me to grow up in a lot of ways. We have moments where we absolutely do not get along, but we get through it.  Life is the good and the bad; the joy and the pain.

I really like the way life is unfolding.  Everyone’s life is getting fuller, richer, and more mature. Even though some of this stuff is hard, I trust God and the process.  Everything is exactly as it should be.

Thank You, God.

July 22, 1996

Life is very good.  I never fail to be amazed at what a wonderful friendship Randy and I have. We have both changed so much since the beginning of the relationship. Together, we’re learning about loyalty, commitment, and integrity.

He has been so good to me lately.  He consistently tells me how beautiful I am (I’m as big as the house!).  He’s really been wonderful.  The thing I’ve noticed is that, for once, I can let him be peaceful without creating a crisis. It’s real nice.

God is removing our defects and building our assets one day at a time. I have utter faith in the process. I have found my way home.

August 23, 1996

Hope Kelly DeHart was born yesterday at 3:16 p.m. She is an angel and my life is a blessing.

Thank You, God!

Your children are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. – Kahlil Gibran

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August 20 – September 2, 1995

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 14: The Work Of Love, tagged , , , , , , , on October 10, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

August 20, 1995

Randy seems to have had some sort of awakening. Tonight, he spoke with authority and conviction. He sounded just like me! It made me realize that I am not special. I’m God’s kid. If someone sits before me in audience to my Father through me, I am witness to another kid being blessed by his Father. I need to learn to let God love me too.

I see that my stupid spiritual pride has been in play – once again putting me in the position of superior guru. How does this keep happening? As the layers peel, the same old defects become more subtle, but they’re still there. Help me, Father! Of myself, I cannot change. Of myself, I’m nothing.

Anyway, I’m willing to be vulnerable and I’m willing to meet the challenges of adulthood.

September 2, 1995

This week has been a rude awakening for me.  I get to see how I thrive on crisis: how I love to coax unreasonable men into reasonableness; how I find self-worth in “fixing” other people; how I play God. This whole week had been uncomfortable because Randy has been embracing life rather than resisting it. Immediately I began resisting Randy, trying to keep the turmoil in action … trying to find some sort of balance.

All of this makes me frantic because I’m seeing that I’m not well; that I still have issues … that I suffer from a disease that tells me I don’t have one. My first reaction is to beat up on myself for not being perfect or shame myself because I’m not, which means, I guess, that I was beginning to think I was.

Ego! Spiritual Pride! Cocky Self-Assurance! Get behind me, Satan! I guess the bottom line is that God has a gentle way of reminding me that He’s God – not me. It seems that the deeper I go I find new levels where I have not yet come to believe that I am lovable and worthy.  I’m willing, though.

Guess what, Paige? You’re not super-human. You can’t do it alone. You need me and you need other people in your life to love you.  You need Randy just as much as he has needed you.  It’s okay to need people.

I feel like such a fool. I can be so grandiose and self-centered.

Precious child, it just doesn’t get any bigger on planet earth than being a child of God.  I love you, Paige.  Everything is as it should be.  Relax.  Surrender.  Let go. 

I found my security in believing that Randy needs me to help him and to fix him and to save him. I guess I just realized that he does need me still, but not because of what I can do for him, but for what I am to him. Not doing—being.  How many times have I learned that? Our worth comes not from our actions, but from our inherent being.  If true to ourselves, then good works just naturally flow. New ideas become old ideas which, when released, give birth to newer ideas ad infinitum. Life’s a trip.

Your freedom when it loses its fetters becomes itself the fetter of a greater freedom. – Kahlil Gibran

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March 19-24, 1995

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 14: The Work Of Love, tagged , , , , , , on September 29, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

March 19, 1995

I just went to a meeting and it was like a breath of fresh air. I need meetings! I see that I have gotten too self-centered lately. I don’t need meetings just as insurance against drinking. I need them to help me stay centered – and dead to self. I need A.A. It doesn’t need me.

I also somehow got wrapped up in fear of losing Randy, which is self-centered fear. I see that Randy’s emotional dependence on me has been a source of security for me. To really love him is to support him (and myself) in his quest for independence. Real love is a choice, not a necessity. I just have to trust God and be willing to stand beside Randy; not arm in arm with him.

Stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow. – Kahlil Gibran

March 24, 1995

My fear of losing Randy has passed. I guess that my habit was to believe that the only way that I could feel comfortable and secure was to have our needy dependence on each other in play. However, the true answer was hidden in the act of detachment.

I must admit that I mourn the false sense of security that “I can’t live without you” brings, but I inherently know that what we are doing now is more in tune with the truth and reality. God, this balance thing is tricky. Somewhere between “I can’t live without you” and “get away from me” is the truth. I guess me and Randy are finding that middle ground.

The bottom line is that anyone can live without anyone else. In reality, no one really needs anyone. They just want to believe that they do in order to avoid the responsibility of taking care of themselves and owning their own defects of character and power. It is a lot easier to try to beat the splinter out of your brother’s eye with the beam from your own.

I miss that overwhelming sense of being one with Randy, but I now see that we were just going through a process. God only knows we needed that period in order to fill our cups in the love department. We were both so starving for attention that we feasted on each other. Those were definitely the most exhilarating days of my life. I’ll never forget the joy of our love when it was born.

It’s maturing now and we’re at more difficult stages which involve boundaries, detachment, and maintaining our individual identities in correlation with our identity as a couple.  It’s a very interesting process.  I’ve never consciously witnessed it before.

I see that one of my biggest challenges will be not to withdraw and part emotionally when I feel rejected. In order to not feel rejected, I have to see that if someone is pushing me away, it’s not about me. It’s about their fear of intimacy and vulnerability.

The hardest thing for me to see sometimes is that my feelings are about what is going on with me; not some intuitive flash inside my brother. In other words, my feelings are my feelings.  How simple to be so hard to understand.

I’m in a pretty serene place.  I’m in a place where I can let Randy do what he has to do—whatever that may be—and I can take care of myself. I trust the process and I trust God.  It’s a wonderful life and God is molding me into a wonderful person. Without Him, I’m nothing and, for today, I totally understand that. Thank you, God. I love You.

Learning to accept yourself is the beginning of change.  Learning to accept others is the beginning of wholeness.  Love expands.  It not only sees more and enfolds more, it causes its object to bloom. – Hugh Prather

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November 19, 1991 – January 18, 1992

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 11: Uncharted Waters, tagged , , , , , , , , , on September 13, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

November 19, 1991

Well, I think that I’m finally in a place where I can write the truth rather than what I want to be the truth. The truth is I don’t know what’s going to happen; that I don’t even know what I want to happen.

I realize that so many bad situations in my life stem from me not taking care of myself. I guess that I get desperately afraid that if I don’t let other people enmesh with me, I’ll lose them. I set enmeshment traps. I use my charm and sexuality and spirituality to lure them in and get them so involved in my process that they need me to help them define themselves. That is very sick and twisted.

I guess seeing this is the process to getting closer to God. It figures that when self-examination becomes sickening, you’re on the right path. It was more fun to look at myself and see glorious perfection. What a lie, though! I was using God as a public relations mode to promote myself. No wonder I fell on my butt.

Today, what I see when I look at myself is a lovable, valuable, imperfect, mixed up child of God.  I like the kid, though. She’s real sweet and nutty.

Where I stand today is alone. I’ll just take care of myself and more will be revealed.

Thy will be done, Father.

Self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. It is a step in the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God’s help. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

December 16, 1991

I haven’t written for a while because my life has been so confusing, but the fog finally seems to be clearing away. I am at a place where I know that Troy is the man I want to merge my life with. We’re going to keep trying.

A lot of this bull has been about my fear of commitment and my unwillingness to grow up and take responsibility for my life. The days of being footloose and fancy-free are over. What I’ve really been running from is my motherhood. I’m just now learning what it really means to be Laurel’s mother. It’s hard work.

Work is love made visible. – Kahlil Gibran

January 4, 1992

I think I’m actually growing up. I’ve really been calming down lately. I woke up this morning and cried with gratitude because my life is so peaceful and lovely. It’s just so amazing how much has changed. I’m somewhere that I never even knew existed. To think I thought that I knew it all! That’s absurd to me today.

It is impossible for anyone to begin to learn that which he thinks he already knows.- Epictetus

January 18, 1992

I have not been writing because I have been experiencing peace and balance in my life. This is the longest I’ve probably ever gone without creating a crisis and I’d say it’s been about ten days.

I realized something the other day that really blows my mind; living doesn’t hurt any more. The wounds are healing.

I live in a different world today and I am a different person and I am so grateful for that. Today, I am a person that the old me would have absolutely hated. I’m everything that I always believed that I never wanted to be. I can see now that all of that anger and non-conformity was really a mask for my pain from tremendously low self-esteem. Rather than admit that I felt so less-than, I just lashed out and hated everyone and told myself that I didn’t want to be a “part of.”  I’m finally “a part of” my own life.

Maturity is wanting nothing but what we see with the purity of our heart.. - Hugh Prather

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September 6-25, 1991

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 11: Uncharted Waters, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on September 11, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

September 6, 1991

Today has been very spiritually rewarding.  Last night, when I was going to sleep, I was thinking about the new happiness and freedom that the program offers.  I remember last year when I thought it was a cool deal that I didn’t have to drink or drug, but that’s just the beginning. Last year my ego told me that I was so smart that I couldn’t possibly be at the beginning. I had to be evolved not only past the beginning, but also past the point of any other person; probably almost as much as Jesus. That’s some true humility, huh? Anyway, it’s real exciting to realize that there are horizons beyond my past “highest” horizons.

I’m really enjoying myself these days. The most serious problem I have is lack of rest because I’m too busy living a wonderful life and having a good time. Simple solution – take a nap. It’s so funny how simple it all really is. All I really have to do is be. What an order!

Yesterday it dawned on me that practicing these principles in all of my affairs is for me and for my serenity.  I always thought it was for me to look good and to gain approval. That’s ridiculous, but true.

I’m realizing that there’s freedom in being a fallible human being. When Jake used to ask me if I wanted to be right or happy I didn’t know what he was talking about. Right, of course! Now I understand better. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s even okay to not be okay. Today, I don’t have to be right, to be the best, to explain, or to make excuses. I guess I’m getting better at owning my reality. The hardest thing to do sometimes is to be present to the moment, but God is teaching me.

The ever-present now is the mystery and the glory of eternity. – Andrew Murray

September 16, 1991

I watched Steel Magnolias and it stirred up some grief. I cried over Troy, over my relationship with Dad, over Granddaddy, and over just how much I love Laurel.

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. – Kahlil Gibran

September 20, 1991

I had a big emotional upheaval over Dad this week. I did something wrong and he’s angry and I felt all of those feelings like I’m a total failure, like I’m worthless, and like I’ll never be good enough. Who told me that I wasn’t supposed to make mistakes? It’s more of that letting go of my old ideas thing. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to be imperfect. It’s okay to be me.

I realize that growing up, I was told in words that I was better than everyone else, but because of actions toward me, I felt worthless. That’s very confusing. I need to remember more things from my childhood. One thing I know for sure: I am not the person whom I have been told that I am. I still have to have arguments with myself to convince me that I’m not a bad person. I must realize that it is not being wrong that does the damage, but being unaware that I am wrong. All of these new tapes are so different.

I also realize that I have grown up believing that I am unworthy of forgiveness.

There are only two choices: integration and acceptance of our whole life story, or despair. – Eric Erikson

September 25, 1991

A member of our A.A. group committed suicide last Friday night. It has really given me a reality blast about the seriousness of the disease.

But for the grace of God there go I.

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July 5-19, 1991

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 10: Climbing Up, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on September 6, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

July 5, 1991

It dawned on me that the idea that the romance between Troy and me can work out is just as crazy as the idea that I can drink normally. When I get into even a little acceptance that the romance is over, I am a lot happier. I need spiritual aid to do this.

Happiness cannot be defined.  What can be defined is misery.  Drop unhappiness and you will know. – Anthony DeMello

July 16, 1991

I know in my heart I have a spiritual calling to do work for God in the form of being of service to other people.  I keep forgetting that if God hadn’t literally saved my butt (on more than one occasion), I’d be dead.  I’m here to do what He wants me to do; not any and everything that I want.

I also keep forgetting that my “pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding.” I should be grateful for this horrendous pain!  It is very difficult to maintain that perspective.

I realized the other day that I can have all of the knowledge in the world of what to do and how to do it, but that doesn’t mean anything without the power to carry it out.  And guess what?  I am utterly powerless.  I hate that!  Guess where I get that power?  God!  Oh yeah.  I forgot.  I have a teflon brain!

I guess I’m really beginning to see that I am not that vital or important to anyone except me. A.A. gets along just fine without me. Troy seems to be doing just fine without me.  The only person that really needs me – besides me – is Laurel.  I guess that’s the way it’s supposed to be.  A lady said today that thriving to be needed by other people is sick!  I guess that giving and expecting nothing in return except for the person to be dependent on you is not giving at all; it’s control and manipulation.

I guess I thought that Troy needed me. Troy needs Troy. I need Paige to cooperate with God and help me. I am not the center of the Universe!

Face it Paige! You don’t run your life well at all!  I do a better job of being God than you do.  Recovery is a process!  Surrender is a process!  Humility is a process!

Talk about a never-ending journey!  The journey continues …

It is only when we forget all our learning that we begin to know. – Henry David Thoreau

July 19, 1991

I finished a thorough inventory Wednesday night and then did my Fifth Step with my sponsor. I can’t say that it was a peak spiritual experience, but I did experience lack of turmoil when I was finished.  I woke up this morning and had a flood of memories from my childhood. That was interesting. I started remembering a lot of spankings for stupid stuff that’s pretty normal for a small child. If I whipped Laurel for the things that I got spanked with a belt for, the kid would be black and blue. I let go of a lot of pain in the Fifth Step so it doesn’t hurt so badly, but I still feel pretty nauseated and anxious. I’m starting to understand why I was so terrified all of the time; my punishments were too severe for the behavior.

I feel good about my recovery right now. I really have been fooling myself about those Steps.  This is the first real inventory I have ever shared with another human being.

Face it, Paige, you never got willing to go to any length until this year. 

It’s really kind of hard to believe that my spiritual experiences could have been so overwhelming without the Steps. I guess that’s why I couldn’t handle them. I’ve probably got the same level of spirituality now (if not more), but it doesn’t seem so intense because I have more balance. I still feel like I have important spiritual work to do, but the trumpet blowing days are over.  I can tell that I have a lot more humility than I ever have before.

Basically, the further I go, I see just how much I am incapable of managing my own life; drunk or sober. Also, that inventory really let me see the futility of holding onto the dream of resolution with Troy. From the very beginning I believed that I was there to rescue him. I always believed that he needed rescuing. In other words, I did not accept him how he was. I’m not sure if I have ever even looked objectively at who he actually is.

There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root. – Henry David Thoreau

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May 9-15, 1988

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 5: Dogged Rebellion, tagged , , , , , , , on July 3, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

May 9, 1988

I threw up today and felt as if the downward spiral was taking control. Then I prayed and went to two meetings; one on “expectations” and another on “self-acceptance and unconditional love.” All of this really helped and now I feel much better.

The thought occurred to me that the process of practicing spiritual principles is sort of like gymnastics. When you fall off the balancing beam, you have to jump right on up there again – not lie on the floor and feel like it’s the end of the world because you fell. There’s such a fine line between self-discipline and beating myself up. I have mercilessly punished myself lately for my misbehavior. In reality, the misbehaving act was the punishment itself.

I think I’m getting past Ben.

How shall you punish those whose remorse is already greater than their misdeeds? – Kahlil Gibran

May 11, 1988

I have an eating disorder and it is scaring me. I go on a binge without even realizing what is going on. I don’t know what’s going on inside of me. I realize that I am very out of touch with my feelings. It seems to me, though, that I am way too hard on myself. I’ve made my program so strict that I don’t even feel grateful because I’m too busy feeling like a failure. It’s a real dilemma because I know that all I should concern myself with right now is not drinking or drugging, but it’s also important to me that I exercise and stay on a diet. I hate being overweight. I want so badly to be thin again, but I want to do it the old-fashioned way – not throwing up everything I eat. I disgust myself when I do that. I pray that God will remove my overwhelming compulsion to eat. Please, God.

I know that I’m striving so hard for perfection that I’m not even noticing my true progress, but I don’t know how to stop. Maybe my obsession with my diet is another device I have for running away from my problems, but I don’t know. Eating is a crutch for me, but I still can’t figure out what is hurting that eating soothes. Please help me, God! I can’t do it without You.

May 13, 1988

Right now I feel like I don’t know anything about life. Everyone talks about how they had to face reality once they got in the program and sobered up. What is reality? Either it’s passed right over my head or I haven’t started facing it yet. I do realize that the things I want out of life are going to require hard work, but I still believe in miracles and dreams come true.  I won’t give up – ever.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, “Yes!” – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

May 15, 1988

What I wish for from God …

the ability to help others

the desire to help others

joy

complete freedom

peace

love

an understanding of God

God’s will in my life

to be able to live my life responsibly

self-esteem

ego deflation

to be a good mother

to be able to have a decent relationship with a man

to find my soul mate

to accept life on life’s terms

my miracle

Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it. – Rabindranath Tagore

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December 27-29, 1987

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 4: Slipping Away, tagged , , , on May 30, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

December 27, 1987

Today I went to visit a friend and just dreaded coming home. I’m so lonely. I know that I’m not supposed to feel alone with God in my life, but I do. I guess I just have growing pains.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; and you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.  And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. – Kahlil Gibran

December 29, 1987

I love motherhood. The person that I am with Laurelis the best person that I’ve ever been – the person I enjoy being. The love I feel for Laurelaffirms greater faith in God and new love for myself. One look at her and I know that there’s a God.

As you lay your head to rest,

cradled in the nest of my bosom,

I wonder with awe at the miracle I see

as regal splendor blossoms in eternity.

While bathing in your precious smile,

filled with joy I get charmed for awhile

as my prayer is affirmed

that man is not lost forever.

With a gentle stroke to your tiny face,

I catch a glimpse of myself

that helps to erase

the hopelessness I’d come to know

for I love you so.

How God must love His children even more.

O, precious, infant child of mine,

you’re all that’s gracious and divine.

You’ve the light of the world in those sparkling eyes.

You’re one of God’s angels in disguise.

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April 7 – August 7, 1987

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 4: Slipping Away, tagged , , , , , , , on April 26, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

July 7, 1987

Ben and I went to Austin for the fourth of July. We had a wonderful time. I’m in love with him. At this time I can see the similarities between joy and pain. I love him so much that it hurts because I keep allowing myself to become fearful that it’s all going to slip away.

Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst of the unquenchable? – Kahlil Gibran

July 12, 1987

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Ben and allowing myself to genuinely care for and share with him. I can’t believe how much work it is to be fair and loving. I am so grateful for this second chance with him.

The fragrance always remains in the hand that gave the rose. – Heda Bejar

July 15, 1987

I didn’t see Ben the past few days and I feel depressed and anxious. I don’t know how to love without becoming addicted.

July 28, 1987

Ben spoke of marriage again this weekend. My spiritual growth is important to me, but so is Ben.

You shall have no other gods before Me. – Exodus 20:3

August 2, 1987

I got depressed last night and let my thinking get crazy enough to allow myself to believe that a few drinks would help. Needless to say, I’m very remorseful. Right now I feel like I’m going to feel this way forever and that nothing in this world could possibly make me happy or make me feel better. I know that this is not true, though. I know that this too shall pass and that the meaning of life will continue to shine through.

I’ve got to accept the fact that I’m powerless over alcohol and that only through acceptance of this fact will I be able to endure the changes in my life. My life is less unmanageable than it used to be, but that will not hold true if I continue to poison myself with the first drink.

I’ve been feeling anxious over Ben. It’s hard for me to let things progress at God’s speed. I want him to make a decision about our future.

August 4, 1987

I suffered horrible depression the past two days that evolved into an irritable and agitated mood. I feel very negative and self-destructive. I realized today the full extent of my mental illness that I’ve always casually referred to as “my self-destructive tendencies.”  I have hope that I will someday lead a normal, happy life, but I also see that it is going to take work and effort and that the spiritual side of my life needs to grow even stronger.

I want to live and I want to be good, but it is very hard not to become very angry and say, “Why me? What did I do to deserve all this?” Anyway, I’m going to endure. I have faith.

For we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.  When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. – Alcoholics Anonymous

August 7, 1987

I am getting a cold, hard look at the way I tend to think negatively rather than positively. It is sickening. I want so much to just relax and let God take care of things. I really do want to believe that everything is going to be all right, but that kind of faith is so foreign to my old way of thinking. I guess because I was raised on rejection and disappointment, I can’t believe that God wants good things for me.

Letting go of fear is definitely proving to be my hardest defect to overcome. I sometimes want to break up with Ben so he can’t break up with me first, but I’m not going to run away. I’m going to stand and face it. I truly do believe that fear is the root of all evil.

The chances that you will wake up are in direct proportion to the amount of truth you can take without running away. – Anthony DeMello

 

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June 2-17, 1987

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 4: Slipping Away, tagged , , , , , on March 5, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

June 2, 1987

Today has been an eye-opening day. I’ve accepted some things (or at least am willing to accept) that I have never been able to cope with before. I have decided to give psychiatric drug therapy a try; something that I have never been willing to do before. Maybe I truly do have a chemical imbalance that can be controlled. It would be wonderful to discover that these sometimes-tedious bouts with dissatisfaction are abnormal. Maybe the discomfort is unnecessary. I have hope.

I have also realized that now is the time to come to terms with my repetitious cycle of replacing one infatuation with another. I have “serial” relationships; using one man to get over another.

I find that I am more willing than ever to be responsible for my own happiness. Something wonderful is happening. It’s hard to let it all just happen without trying to exert control over other people, places, and things, but I feel encouraged about the “letting go and letting God” part of A.A. I want this program! I am ready to see what real living is.

June 6, 1987

Last night, a lot of stuff about motives came to mind. When I examine my past motives, I see how truly manipulative I was. I tried to control everything. Control is an illusion.

Most people try to live by self-propulsion.  Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show. – Alcoholics Anonymous

June 8, 1987

Dad’s mad at me because I can’t make my car payment. He’s always disappointed in me for some reason or another. I don’t believe it’s good to blame others for my problems, but I do blame him for mine. I’m trying to take responsibility for the moral and spiritual sides of my life, but it would be easier if there had been someone to teach me the difference between right and wrong when I was growing up.

I know my grandfather’s early death and neglect of Dad just passed down the line, but enough is enough. When is this family going to finally have enough guts to open its eyes and see the influence we have in each other’s lives; especially our children’s? The buck stops here.

When one of you falls down he falls for those behind him, a caution against the stumbling stone. And he falls for those ahead of him, who though faster and surer of foot, yet removed not the stumbling stone. – Kahlil Gibran

June 17, 1987

I have felt very hostile the last couple of days. I think that I am bored. Nothing great has happened, but nothing terrible has happened either. It’s times like these when I see what a true crisis junkie I am. I feel like sabotaging my program just so I’ll have a mess to clean up.

There is plenty wrong with us alcoholics about which plenty will have to be done if we are to expect sobriety, progress, and any real ability to cope with life. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

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