We thought we could find an easier, softer way… Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. – Alcoholics Anonymous
May 10, 1987
Today is yet another new sobriety date for me. I’ve been letting that powerfully baffling and cunning drug called alcohol deceive me into thinking that I can use it occasionally without losing my sanity again. How can I forget how disgusted I was with life back in November? How can I forget how wonderfully different my life is when I have conscious contact with God? How can I forget that the contact will fade more and more with each drink or drug? A clear mind is the price I must pay to enable myself to hear instructions and accept life on life’s terms. How can I forget that, without spiritual aid, I might as well be dead (or go back to the living dead as I was before)? I can’t forget. Remembering is the only thing that can keep me alive.
The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. His defense must come from a Higher Power. – Alcoholics Anonymous
May 22, 1987
I simply must admit that I am powerless over alcohol or my life will become unmanageable once again. I’ve been “drinking normally” and it’s causing deep inner turmoil. I know that if I keep it up, the control will become more limited. I cannot take the risk of allowing that to happen. I’ve got to get a grip on this situation and ask God to help me to really work a program. I’ve got to! It’s too late in the pregnancy for me to start pulling these stunts!
This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it – this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish. – Alcoholics Anonymous
June 1, 1987
I had a bad slip last night. Today, I felt almost as bad as I did on Thanksgiving. Maybe this is finally the bottom. I hope so. I just don’t have the stamina for too much more. I need help. I surrender.
Today I have felt very powerless over alcohol and everything else. I just want to get through this pain alive. I’ll be so relieved when the nightmare is finally over. I’m becoming fearful that I’m not going to make it through while, at the same time, I know that I must.
I’m going to get professional help. I don’t know much anymore, but I know that I’m an alcoholic and that I want to feel better. I once wrote a poem that ended with the line “I need belief to keep me sane.” I believe that God will help me. I believe. I hope. I pray.
Many people suffer because of the false supposition on which they have based their lives. That supposition is that there should be no fear or loneliness, no confusion or doubt. – Henri J. M. Nouwen