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Posts Tagged ‘Henri Nouwen’

June 3 – July 31, 1997

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , , , on November 16, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

June 3, 1997

Sometimes, I think of myself as “nicer” than I really am because I judge myself by my thoughts and feelings rather than by my actions. If I’m having “happy” thoughts, I believe myself to be nice. I guess I’m sometimes oblivious to my actions and the effect that they have on others. This helps me to understand principles like “act your way into right thinking,” “examine your motives,” and “don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides” better. However, true authenticity is to have my actions and thoughts aligned. I’ve got a long way to go.

Better to return and make a net, than to go down the stream and merely wish for fish. –  Chinese Proverb

July 4, 1997

Life is so good.  The best thing about it is that I truly believe that no matter what happens, “good” or “bad,” I can endure because nothing has the power to remove God’s love and grace from my life; not even death.  What a trip!  Anyway, the pieces are falling into place and my work is beginning.  God only knows that I am willing to go as far as He’ll take me.  In Christ I live and move and have my being. (Acts 17:28)

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.- <st1:bcv_smarttag>Romans 8:38-39

July 28, 1997

I’ve realized that I am finally free to trust … not that people won’t let me down or that there will not be times that I don’t feel pain or that life will never be messy, but that always there is more to learn.

July 31, 1997

There’s a big difference between giving advice and sharing my experience.

Only he who is able to articulate his own experience can offer himself to others as a source of clarification. – Henri Nouwen

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November 15 – December 17, 1988

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 6: Dark Valley, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on July 13, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

November 15, 1988

I’ve been so lost lately that I have totally neglected the baby.  I need to start taking care of her myself instead of letting my grandmother do it for me. I hate myself for being so selfish. The issues concerning motherhood have caused me so much pain lately. The way I expected to feel as a mother and the way I actually feel are so different. The one thing blocking the way between my little girl and me is a tremendous amount of selfishness and laziness. Realizing these things hurts so badly, but the pain is cleansing.

November 19, 1988

I started to change jobs yesterday, but I decided against it. It’s me that needs to change; not my job or where I live or who I date or even how I look. It’s very hard for me to accept and understand that.

I want to live from the inside out, not from the outside in. – Hugh Prather

November 29, 1988

I just hate the person that I am. I want to change so badly, but I don’t even know how. I just pray that the Twelve Steps will do the job.

For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? – Romans 7:19,24

November 30, 1988

I chaired the 10:00 meeting at N.A. It was my first time to chair a meeting and I enjoyed it. The topic was “forgiveness” and by the time the meeting was over, I felt forgiveness for myself for neglecting Laurel and for Dad for not being there when I was growing up. The thought crossed my mind that we’re all just human beings doing the best that we know how.

Forgiveness is only real for him who has discovered the weakness of his friends and the sins of his enemy in his own heart and is willing to call every human being his brother. – Henri J. M. Nouwen

December 17, 1988

I had a pretty rough week. The issues withLaurelare still tearing me apart. The responsibility of taking care of her is just too much for me. As things are now, I only see her on Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays and then she goes to Mom’s from Wednesday to Sunday. A part of me feels very guilty for not being with her more, but I tried keeping her all week this week and frankly, it was just more than I could handle. I had anxiety all week long. I just wish that I could be a stable mother, but I can’t.

I don’t feel very good about myself right now. I have little hope that this program will work for me because I’m either too busy with work or too lazy when off work to work it. Trying to balance all of the things in my life is hard.

Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. – Alcoholics Anonymous

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May 10 – June 1, 1987

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 4: Slipping Away, tagged , , , , on February 15, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

We thought we could find an easier, softer way…  Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. – Alcoholics Anonymous

May 10, 1987

Today is yet another new sobriety date for me. I’ve been letting that powerfully baffling and cunning drug called alcohol deceive me into thinking that I can use it occasionally without losing my sanity again. How can I forget how disgusted I was with life back in November? How can I forget how wonderfully different my life is when I have conscious contact with God? How can I forget that the contact will fade more and more with each drink or drug? A clear mind is the price I must pay to enable myself to hear instructions and accept life on life’s terms. How can I forget that, without spiritual aid, I might as well be dead (or go back to the living dead as I was before)? I can’t forget. Remembering is the only thing that can keep me alive.

The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink.  His defense must come from a Higher Power. –  Alcoholics Anonymous

May 22, 1987

I simply must admit that I am powerless over alcohol or my life will become unmanageable once again. I’ve been “drinking normally” and it’s causing deep inner turmoil. I know that if I keep it up, the control will become more limited. I cannot take the risk of allowing that to happen. I’ve got to get a grip on this situation and ask God to help me to really work a program. I’ve got to! It’s too late in the pregnancy for me to start pulling these stunts!

This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it – this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish. – Alcoholics Anonymous

June 1, 1987

I had a bad slip last night. Today, I felt almost as bad as I did on Thanksgiving. Maybe this is finally the bottom. I hope so. I just don’t have the stamina for too much more. I need help. I surrender.

Today I have felt very powerless over alcohol and everything else. I just want to get through this pain alive. I’ll be so relieved when the nightmare is finally over. I’m becoming fearful that I’m not going to make it through while, at the same time, I know that I must.

I’m going to get professional help. I don’t know much anymore, but I know that I’m an alcoholic and that I want to feel better. I once wrote a poem that ended with the line “I need belief to keep me sane.” I believe that God will help me. I believe. I hope. I pray.

Many people suffer because of the false supposition on which they have based their lives.  That supposition is that there should be no fear or loneliness, no confusion or doubt. – Henri J. M. Nouwen

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April 8-12, 1987

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 3: Came To Believe, tagged , , , on January 26, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

April 8, 1987

I’m noticing some pertinent changes in my acceptance towards my situation with Ben. I remember him as warm and kind when, in reality, he’s usually cruel and offensive.  I wish he were my dream Ben. Maybe the baby will be.

Jake’s a nice person. My lust for him helped me to learn some things about myself. He’s a good enough friend not to take advantage of me. He says he loves me too much to fool around with me. Is that possible?

Well, I guess the program works. The winds are changing.

The one who would be constant in happiness must frequently change. – Confucius

April 12, 1987

Ben is interested in getting to know me now that I have changed. No comment on what I want to happen.

One thing I’ve realized is that no man is worth my feeling inadequate over. I watched Ben sleep off an obnoxious drunk the other night and realized that he’s just a little boy that needs to be loved—just like I do. I can’t believe the enormous power I had given to such a little boy. I see in him the parts of myself that cry so desperately for love and security.

Life never ceases to amaze me these days. I’m at a point where I believe that anything is possible. I now understand the concepts of faith and grace. My conscious contact is strong. I love God and I love life. That’s all that matters.

Compassion is born when we discover in the center of our own existence not only that God is God and man is man, but also that our neighbor is really our fellow man. – Henri J. M. Nouwen

From the beginning of our relationship, Ben told me that he never wanted to marry or to have a family. I foolishly believed that he didn’t mean what he said.  Rather than accept the truth, I continued to hang on to the idea that he would change. Therefore, when I started seeing him again, I was continually disappointed because my fantasy of him was inconsistent with reality. This is called “delusion.”

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February 18 – March 16, 1987

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 3: Came To Believe, tagged , , , , , , on January 17, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

February 18, 1987

I’m going to have a baby!  I’ve sort of spilled my marbles all over the path the past few weeks, but I’m slowly but surely picking them up so that I (now we) may continue our journey. The hardest thing for me to learn is thatRomewas not built in a day. Silly me; to think the entire transformation could occur overnight.

 There is a long period of reconstruction ahead. – Alcoholics Anonymous

March 14, 1987

I’m living with Aunt Billie and not working. I have changed so much that I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I have changed for the better. My faith is stronger now than ever. God has proved to me in many ways that following the path is worthwhile.

Now, I’m just waiting patiently for the growth and birth of my child. No one’s ever called me “Mom” before.

March 16, 1987

I have been depressed. I miss Ben and I am lonely. Sometimes I get the temptation to just wallow in aching misery, yet I know that to give up is to be defeated. I must go through with this pregnancy even though I am so uncertain of what the future will bring. It is my greatest hope that it will be good. I’m trying to believe that.

I’ve never given my life over to God’s will before and it’s scary, but I know that learning to trust Him is vitally important. I am learning now by doing what I believe to be “right.” It was so much easier to take short cuts.

Not working is very strange for me. Taking financial pressure off of me is putting a lot more pressure on my emotional and spiritual growth. There is no way that I can hide from myself with this much time on my hands. I need strength to fight the temptation to throw it all away. Just getting through this pregnancy without making myself miserable is proving to be one of the most difficult jobs I have ever undertaken.

I’ve come to the conclusion that deep inside I fear that I’m not as creative and capable of giving as I want to believe I am. This is becoming a period of time when I have to prove a lot of things to myself. The desire to “show them” is going away because “they” don’t exist anymore. I am now my own antagonist. Growing is a strange experience.

We must enter into the center of our existence and become familiar with the complexities of our inner lives. – Henri J.M. Nouwen

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July 21 – August 4, 1980

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 1: Childish Whims, tagged , , , , , on August 12, 2011 | 1 Comment »

July 21, 1980

I’ve never felt so hopeless in my life. I have lost all of my optimism. I’m afraid I’m going to do something horrible to myself. What’s even worse is that I question whether or not this drama is not my way of getting attention from Chris. I’ve pumped myself with more drugs and alcohol than seems practical or imaginable and I still feel miserable. What’s even worse is feeling like nothing will ever make me feel better. The only thing in the world right now that gives me a will to live is Chris and I see that even he could not make me feel happy.

I don’t understand what horrible thing is happening to me. If there is a God in Heaven – like I once believed there was – I beg Him to make me feel good once again. This pain is killing me.

The inwardness of the coming generation can lead either to a higher level of hypocrisy or to the discovery of the reality of the unseen which can make for a new world. – Henri J. M. Nouwen

July 30, 1980

There’s still a part of me that can’t give up. That gives me hope.

August 4, 1980

Things are suddenly starting to seem better. Just when I think that I’m flipping out for good and absolutely losing my mind, I realize that pain and confusion are a part of learning and redefining who I am.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. – Kahlil Gibran

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July 6, 1980

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 1: Childish Whims, tagged , , , , , on August 9, 2011 | 1 Comment »

July 6, 1980

I wish I could be happy, but for some reason, I’ve convinced myself that there’s no such thing as happiness. It seems that I don’t understand anything anymore – not even myself. I hate myself for chalking defeat off to growing up. I used to think that the world was mine, but now I’ve lost my hope. I wonder why.

This fearful generation which rejects its fathers and quite often rejects the legitimacy of every person or institution that claims authority is facing a new danger: becoming captive to itself. – Henri J. M. Nouwen

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June 28, 1980

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 1: Childish Whims, tagged , , , , , on August 8, 2011 | 1 Comment »

June 28, 1980

I’m starting to like a guy at work named Chris. I really enjoy hanging out with him, but as always, the fear of our friendship not working out has set in. Besides, he likes another girl.

Chris is a lot like me in many ways. I think we’re both suffering from disillusionment. We can both hear the little voice within us that wants to keep on caring, but we are also both starting to doubt if things that really matter even exist.

Many young people are convinced that there is something terribly wrong with the world in which they live and that cooperation with existing models of living would constitute betrayal of themselves. – Henri J. M. Nouwen

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