July 21, 1980
I’ve never felt so hopeless in my life. I have lost all of my optimism. I’m afraid I’m going to do something horrible to myself. What’s even worse is that I question whether or not this drama is not my way of getting attention from Chris. I’ve pumped myself with more drugs and alcohol than seems practical or imaginable and I still feel miserable. What’s even worse is feeling like nothing will ever make me feel better. The only thing in the world right now that gives me a will to live is Chris and I see that even he could not make me feel happy.
I don’t understand what horrible thing is happening to me. If there is a God in Heaven – like I once believed there was – I beg Him to make me feel good once again. This pain is killing me.
The inwardness of the coming generation can lead either to a higher level of hypocrisy or to the discovery of the reality of the unseen which can make for a new world. – Henri J. M. Nouwen
July 30, 1980
There’s still a part of me that can’t give up. That gives me hope.
August 4, 1980
Things are suddenly starting to seem better. Just when I think that I’m flipping out for good and absolutely losing my mind, I realize that pain and confusion are a part of learning and redefining who I am.
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. – Kahlil Gibran