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Posts Tagged ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’

April 28 – May 7, 1998

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 16: Becoming Human, tagged , , , , , , , on November 15, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

April 28, 1997

I’ve been in turmoil lately because of my selfishness and self-centeredness. I realized that my “lovingness” is usually only there when there’s a pay-off for my ego. How sickening to realize the depth of my self-centeredness.  It even disguises itself as love.  Anyway, needless to say, I have a tendency to feel hopeless, but I know better.  I truly believe that God has a plan for me.

There are two types of selfishness.  The first type is the one where I give myself the pleasure of pleasing myself.  That’s what we generally call self-centeredness.  The second is when I give myself the pleasure of pleasing others.  That would be a more refined kind of selfishness. – Anthony DeMello

May 7, 1997

For the first time in years, I have felt really confused about what’s going on inside of me. I have been seeing some stuff about myself that is very disappointing. Even worse, I realize that I am powerless. I guess that’s not “even worse” since “powerless” is a good place to be in a Twelve Step program. I’m at Step One with some character defects that are becoming quite debilitating.

I have a tendency to be hurtful to the people I care about the most. My hurtfulness basically stems from nitpicking (perfectionism), down talking (superiority/pride), and complaining (self-centeredness). Basically, I’m bottoming out with self-centered, perfectionist, control issues. Ouch!

I’m tired of being a hurtful grouch. I’m either high on the mountaintop – superior to everyone—or a total jerk. I complain that I don’t want to be like everyone else, but that’s just my ego telling me that I’m unique or different.  I am like everyone else.  I am a child of God.

One of the things I really respect about Randy is that he has limits concerning the amount of unacceptable behavior that he is willing to tolerate from me.  That scares me sometimes because I fear that I can’t change, but it also stops the tornado and helps me gain clarity.  I know that I can’t change myself, but I truly believe that God can and is changing me according to my willingness to surrender.

That’s what blows my mind: I can be an alcoholic tornado whirling destruction through the lives of those I love and not even recognize it.  Talk about denial!  The good news is that rather than wallow in self-pity because, once again, I’ve realized that I’m not as nice as I fancied myself to be, I can be grateful that I’m at a turning point for new horizons.

My journey has taken me so far that sometimes I tend to think that I have “arrived,” but I remember now that it never ends.  There is no permanent plateau.  That’s exciting and even a bit unbelievable.  I’m already at places I never dreamed of.  However, when Randy talks about “building a life” and I feel confused because I don’t know what he’s talking about, I see that I have a long way to go.  I remember when the word “loyalty” baffled me.  I remember when I didn’t understand the concept of the word “consequences.”  I remember when the word “God” made me angry.  I have a long way to go, but I have also come a long way.  At least now I understand that if I don’t understand what someone is talking about, I’m the one who’s in the dark.  It doesn’t mean that they don’t understand what they are talking about.

More good news is that these issues are messing with me like never before because, for the first time, I’m attempting to form a true partnership with another human being – however feeble the attempt.  I just need to get with the program and forget about what it is I think I want and need.  Sometimes I totally forget that I blew my chance at running my own life and that I have no right to complain about or dictate the circumstances in my life.  Left to my own devices, I would be dead.

Dead, Paige, Dead!

God saved me. I am here to represent Him.

I’m realizing how selfless a person needs to be to have a real life.  I see that one of the reasons that I never tried to step up to the plate was that I didn’t know how.  Another was that I was just too self-centered to bother.  I find myself thinking, “If I keep spending my whole life just doing for others, what will be left of me?”

Just the REAL you – silly fool!

So the difference between “the boys and the men” is the difference between striving for a self-determined objective and for the perfect objective which is of God. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

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July 4, 1995

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 14: The Work Of Love, tagged , , , , , , on October 4, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

July 4, 1995

What a weekend!  God is working in my life in indescribable ways. I truly am becoming a believer in fairy tales and dreams come true. It really looks like Randy is “the one.” We have such a fabulous relationship. I feel so safe, whole, and complete that there’s no way to describe it. I just truly love him and I’m beginning to believe that he truly loves me also.

Tonight, he left to go to a gig and I felt all sorts of sad feelings; reminding me of the days when we had to go back to Dad’s after visiting with Mom. It was intense. I realized that these feelings were so overwhelming to me as a child that I chose to reject the loving safety of “Mommy” rather than to endure the pain of separation from her. Thank God, as an adult, I can choose differently. Today, I choose to love rather than to avoid it because of fear of pain. What a trip.

Life with Randy is like psychotherapy, a roller coaster, the magical mystery tour, and Heaven—all rolled into one. The little girl in me says “I can’t do this! Wonder if something goes wrong! I could never endure it!” Christ within me says “Don’t worry, be happy. Live for the joy of the moment. Tomorrow will take care of itself.”

Life is a trip! I love my beautiful and peaceful life, I love myself, I love my friends and family … and I totally adore Randy DeHart. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. Thank You, God. Most of all, I love You!!!

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

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April 4, 1995

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 14: The Work Of Love, tagged , , , , , , on October 2, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

April 4, 1995

I’m in turmoil. I have a real issue with Randy concerning the fact that there is no room in our relationship for my imperfections. I don’t want to be in another relationship that is all about me loving the man and end up where my needs are discounted and invalidated. I am especially upset because I work so hard at patience, tolerance, and understanding with Randy. He does not reciprocate. He seems to either be sitting on top of the mountain—looking down at all the losers—or else he’s the scum at the bottom of the pond. I know that I have the same tendency, but now I can honestly see it; which allows God to change it.

We’ve been trying to stop smoking and I fell and smoked (I started smoking again when I started dating Randy). This is the first time that “we’ve” tried and I’ve been the one to fall first. He had no compassion or understanding. As a matter-of-fact, he beat me up emotionally and told me that I needed to be harder on myself. Bull!

I understand that I cannot control and manipulate to get my needs met, but I also understand that I owe it to myself to set boundaries and protect myself from people, places, and things that violate my dignity. I don’t need someone drilling me like a sergeant.

I truly do want to quit smoking and I’m not defending my right to smoke, but I am defending my right not to get kicked around emotionally because I fell short of my expectations for myself; or of Randy’s expectations of me.

I’m good enough, dammit!  I love myself and accept myself just the way I am, but I am willing to change and God is changing me now. I didn’t fail. I just haven’t reached the goal yet.  Setbacks are not failures—they’re stepping stones.

I don’t know what to think. I love Randy, but I am not interested in walking on eggshells in fear of displeasing him. He needs to grow up and join humanity. I know I’m talking about myself too. I know that he’s my mirror, and frankly, sometimes I don’t like what I see.

I know this much; I deserve to be treated with love and compassion because I have learned to treat others, especially Randy, with love and compassion. I’m not saying that he “owes” it to me, but I have a right to express myself when I consider the way I am being treated to be unacceptable.

I give this to You, Father.  Thy will be done.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. – Plato

 

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March 19-24, 1995

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 14: The Work Of Love, tagged , , , , , , on September 29, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

March 19, 1995

I just went to a meeting and it was like a breath of fresh air. I need meetings! I see that I have gotten too self-centered lately. I don’t need meetings just as insurance against drinking. I need them to help me stay centered – and dead to self. I need A.A. It doesn’t need me.

I also somehow got wrapped up in fear of losing Randy, which is self-centered fear. I see that Randy’s emotional dependence on me has been a source of security for me. To really love him is to support him (and myself) in his quest for independence. Real love is a choice, not a necessity. I just have to trust God and be willing to stand beside Randy; not arm in arm with him.

Stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow. – Kahlil Gibran

March 24, 1995

My fear of losing Randy has passed. I guess that my habit was to believe that the only way that I could feel comfortable and secure was to have our needy dependence on each other in play. However, the true answer was hidden in the act of detachment.

I must admit that I mourn the false sense of security that “I can’t live without you” brings, but I inherently know that what we are doing now is more in tune with the truth and reality. God, this balance thing is tricky. Somewhere between “I can’t live without you” and “get away from me” is the truth. I guess me and Randy are finding that middle ground.

The bottom line is that anyone can live without anyone else. In reality, no one really needs anyone. They just want to believe that they do in order to avoid the responsibility of taking care of themselves and owning their own defects of character and power. It is a lot easier to try to beat the splinter out of your brother’s eye with the beam from your own.

I miss that overwhelming sense of being one with Randy, but I now see that we were just going through a process. God only knows we needed that period in order to fill our cups in the love department. We were both so starving for attention that we feasted on each other. Those were definitely the most exhilarating days of my life. I’ll never forget the joy of our love when it was born.

It’s maturing now and we’re at more difficult stages which involve boundaries, detachment, and maintaining our individual identities in correlation with our identity as a couple.  It’s a very interesting process.  I’ve never consciously witnessed it before.

I see that one of my biggest challenges will be not to withdraw and part emotionally when I feel rejected. In order to not feel rejected, I have to see that if someone is pushing me away, it’s not about me. It’s about their fear of intimacy and vulnerability.

The hardest thing for me to see sometimes is that my feelings are about what is going on with me; not some intuitive flash inside my brother. In other words, my feelings are my feelings.  How simple to be so hard to understand.

I’m in a pretty serene place.  I’m in a place where I can let Randy do what he has to do—whatever that may be—and I can take care of myself. I trust the process and I trust God.  It’s a wonderful life and God is molding me into a wonderful person. Without Him, I’m nothing and, for today, I totally understand that. Thank you, God. I love You.

Learning to accept yourself is the beginning of change.  Learning to accept others is the beginning of wholeness.  Love expands.  It not only sees more and enfolds more, it causes its object to bloom. – Hugh Prather

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March 9, 1995

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 13: Soul Mate, tagged , , , , , , , on September 28, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

March 9, 1995

I guess I need to look at my ego in relation to my physical appearance. Lately, I’ve finally started losing my weight again–for which I am grateful because it is one of my biggest obstacles. However, I’m less than halfway toward my goal and I already see myself becoming more self-centered because of the attention from others.

Dear God, I earnestly pray that You give me the humility I need in order to be successful in the accomplishment of my goals without losing myself and my commitment to You and to love.

Let’s talk about these goals because, frankly, I’m ready to begin.  First, I want to continue to lose weight.  I want to be beautiful on the inside and on the outside.

Paige, you are beautiful on the inside and on the outside. Just don’t forget that the objective of life is to love me with all of your heart, mind, and soul … and to love your neighbor as yourself.

I also want to write that book. This is the one that’s driving me crazy. I have procrastinated and procrastinated. It has been in the making since 1978 and it is definitely emerging its way into manifestation.

What are you afraid of, Paige? 

I guess I really am afraid of success, but I am willing to change. There’s just no denying that life calls out to me in a big way. I know that this book is important and is a part of my destiny, but I feel paralyzed about really beginning. I’m tired of being afraid to succeed. I must do what I am here to do or I will be miserable and frustrated.

Help me, Father. Help me to begin. Take me to my true place.

With God’s help I am certain that I can blossom without becoming a monster. I guess I’m really afraid of myself. It just occurred to me that I am always talking about my vulnerability (basically my inner child) being incarcerated by the protective armor I have constructed with certain behaviors and characteristics. Now, I see that a part of me has believed that I’ve been keeping the “boogey man” chained under the stairs so it can’t destroy me.

Paige, the only thing that’s trapped inside of you is me.  There’s nothing to be afraid of.  All that is real is me, baby.  I love you.  You don’t have to be afraid of me.

Sometimes this journal blows my mind to pieces.

Thy will be done, Father.

Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible -  Saint Francis of Assisi

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February 16 – May 22, 1993

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 12: Progress Not Perfection, tagged , , , , , , , on September 25, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

February 16, 1993

I’ve been in too much of a hurry lately and I’m suffering for it spiritually. I need to take the time to connect with God or I just don’t really enjoy living. Some of the most positive things are happening in my life right now and I can’t even enjoy them because I’m so busy and wrapped up in what I’m doing. I just don’t want to be so consumed with work and the discipline of life that I don’t have time to stop and smell the roses. I don’t want to be oblivious to everyone around me.

Ultimately my character is defined by the quality of my sensitivity to other people. – Hugh Prather

April 5, 1993

Lately I have been doing some reflecting and came to some startling conclusions. It finally dawned on me that the intense desire to be famous and superior is not an ambition, but rather a character defect which blocks me from God. I went through a period there where I was taking work, position, and material possessions too seriously. I was rationalizing that my year to be a part of “the world out there” had come.

That is true to some extent because I no longer have fear of being with people who aren’t in the program, but on the other hand, I have realized that being “great and successful” makes me pretty miserable. There’s a part of me that yearns for success and recognition, but I’m finally at a place where I’m willing to be willing to let go of that fantasy.  I also realized that if I want to dream of being a celebrity, I must be willing to risk failing and to do a lot of fancy footwork.  The most direct way to get from point A to point Z is a straight line directly through the middle points.  I realize that I’ve been sitting at point A and dreaming about Point Z without really considering the action that needs to be taken to get there.

I’m at another one of those stages of my recovery where everything changes. It seems amusing to me that every time I get any sort of humility it is because I finally see how blind and arrogant I have been.

I really am at a stage where I just want to have a humble heart and a willingness to be helpful. I’ve been pushing myself on a quest to win attention from other people. It’s finally dawned on me that all that really gives me fulfillment is the knowledge that at the end of each day I have done the most careful things with myself and others.

Life is fragile and I tend to sometimes treat it like it’s indestructible. I pray for a heart that truly loves. I’ve been trying to believe that I’m a nicer person than I really am. I am willing to be nicer, but I need help with it. I need my God and Lord to help me.

Most people believe that their greatest weakness is their greatest strength. – Hugh Prather

May 22, 1993

I’ve been going about ninety miles an hour this past week between getting ready to move and then actually moving (I finally got an apartment of our own for Laurel and me).  Today’s what seems like the first time in ages that I’ve actually sat still and figured out what’s going on inside of me. I feel a little sad because Ruthie and I have been together for a long time. It feels scary leaving home for the last time; leaving the only real home I’ve ever known.

I guess I’m just reflective and a little low from the anti-climax of finally achieving something that I’ve wanted for a long time. Life’s funny that way. It really shows me just how much life is not about being “successful” in the material sense.

I know that the true meaning of life is love and service: two things that I have a long way to go on.  I guess that I’ve just needed to get the basics like food, clothing, shelter, transportation, and human contact squared away before I could truly begin.  Everything up until now has been a preparation to get to the beginning! How many times have I thought I was finished only to realize that I was just approaching the starting gate?

It’s been a long road of recovering the ground that was lost through drugs and alcohol. Today, I am where I was in ’85 and ’86—my own place to live, my own car, a good job, and a minimally consistent exercise program. I’ve achieved sober what I did drunk. The only difference is that today I’m here to appreciate it—or take it for granted.

Character-building and spiritual values had to come first. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

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January 19-30, 1993

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 12: Progress Not Perfection, tagged , , , , , , , on September 24, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

January 19, 1993

The last two days have been an emotional tailspin. Yesterday, my stepfather, Jack, died from a massive heart attack. I can’t begin to describe the feelings that have been associated with this situation. I’ve been so upset. I feel terrible because I’ve always had such a bad attitude towards him. Just writing about him sends gut wrenching pain through me. I am so regretful.

God, how can I possibly think that I am Christ-bound when I still get so tangled up in petty judgments and attitudes? I pray with all my heart that Jack has gotten the message about how dreadfully sorry I am. I guess I’ve realized that I loved him. I never realized this because he got targeted as being different from me. The bottom line is that I thought that he thought that I wasn’t “good enough.” I wanted him to approve of me and I resented him because he didn’t seem to. I have no idea how he really felt because I never talked to him. I have been such a selfish brat and it’s killing me inside right now.

This has really taught me something about the fragility of life. It’s especially opened my eyes about Mom. It’s given me the willingness to let go of the past and start treating her like someone I love because I do love her.

It’s the same theme over and over again.  If I am or feel something, I have to demonstrate it.  All of my ideas have still been seedlings – ideas that have not made their way into manifestation.  I pray to change; to start over with Mom.

Most of what we feel and think we conjure up for ourselves in our heads. – Anthony DeMello

January 30, 1993

Jack’s death was a real growing experience for me. I think it was the first thing to truly slap me in the face and show me that this human life of ours is fragile.  I really have just acted out the dramatic child roles with my parents; trying to win their approval and to prove that I don’t need them; that I’m okay without them. Maybe all that is true, but whether or not I need them, I see now that I really love them and want them to be a part of my life.  They’re fragile and mortal too, and that really scares me.

I’m very grateful for these realizations; especially where Mom is concerned.  Jack’s death shone a bright light on everything; which illuminated the truth. I’m not mad at Mom anymore. I love my mother and I’m very proud of her. No matter what she knew or didn’t know before, she now knows loss.  Life’s given her one of the hardest chunks to swallow that it has to give—the death of a spouse. She’s been very brave and constructive.  She’s quite a lady.  I just see things in her that I never saw before.  Right now this minute, I feel proud that she is my mother, and that Dad is my father.

I’m so in love with life right now.  Every time I turn around it just keeps getting better.  I feel such a deep, peaceful sense of belonging within this earthly family of mine.  It seems so ironic that the most blatantly damaging characteristic of my childhood was a lack of family and family values.  My, haven’t things changed?  I know absolutely that all of the changes are the direct action of a more wonderful God than can be humanly imagined. I am so grateful.

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning. – Lamentations 3:22-23

 

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August 15, 1992 – January 14, 1993

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 12: Progress Not Perfection, tagged , , , , , , , , , on September 21, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

August 15, 1992

Things have been terrible with Troy lately. We’re back to battling over the same stupid issues even when we barely see each other. This whole ordeal has been so unpleasant and draining that I almost feel relieved that it’s probably over. I pray to God that it’s over. Of course, letting go of the beautiful dream that our relationship would consummate in marriage makes me sad, but brother, if I can just walk through the pain one last time, I won’t have to hurt over Troy ever again.

I’ve been having some wonderful experiences with God lately. He’s been using me to talk to a lot of people. I like that. That’s what I’m here for anyway, to work for God; not to play mind games with silly men.

I trust God and trust the process.  Thy will be done.

September 1, 1992

Ever since I started sponsoring people, I haven’t needed distractions like other men in my life. I’ve been growing up a lot lately. It’s really dawning on me that everything and anything I desire in this world requires my cooperation and participation.  If I want to be thin, I have to eat right and exercise. If I want to be financially independent, I have to work hard. If I want a good relationship with Troy, I have to stay on the beam and not react to him. I play a part, but thank God I don’t have to depend on myself.  It’s so simple just to ask for God’s power to do the right thing.  It’s funny that I never gave much thought to right action before.

That slogan “happy, joyous, and free” is taking on a whole new meaning:

Happiness = the product of right living

Joy = unmasked sorrow

Freedom = doing what you are supposed to do because you want to

You must be the change you want to see in the world. – Mahatma Gandhi

September 15, 1992

I’ve really been struggling within myself about getting into action to do the things necessary to take care of myself. I need to act my way into right thinking, but I keep holding back and procrastinating. What am I afraid of?  Is it change?  Is it independence?  I fool myself about being the type of person who embraces change and then I balk at new actions. Hopefully, I’m just fueling up. I believe that there are no mistakes and that everything happens for a reason. I guess I just need to accept my reluctance and allow myself to stand still if that’s what I need to do. I guess the problem is that somewhere deep inside I believe that I am a bum and that I’ll never amount to anything.  Please help me to change my beliefs, Father. It can’t be true. No one is inherently a no-good bum.  Help me to be willing to take right action. Please remove these barriers which block me from my highest good.

I’ve noticed that when I am in this sort of place, I try to blame my unhappiness on other people. Other people have nothing to do with my unhappiness. I can see that today.  I want to love more than I want to be loved. I believe that it is truly better to give than to receive. There’s just so much work that needs to be done in order for me to become the loving person that I long to be.

You cannot cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. – Rabindranath Tagore

September 23, 1992

I’ve started doing a Tenth Step and I feel good about it. Everything boils down to the fact that I need to concentrate on right action, acceptance, trusting God, and being loving. I guess gratitude wouldn’t hurt either. I can see why we are supposed to live one day at a time; I can only remember important things I know for about one day. I need a lot of reminding.

God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. – Alcoholics Anonymous

January 14, 1993

I’ve been becoming quite the recluse lately. My favorite place to be is alone and my favorite person to be with is myself. That’s a real change, huh?

I’ve noticed that the commitments I have the hardest time keeping are the ones I make to myself.  I guess that shows me what a people pleaser I am. I try not to let other people down because I want them to like me, but I don’t think twice about letting myself down when getting mad at myself is the worst person in the world to have mad at me because I can feel it.

I expect too much from myself and I don’t know how to stop.  I need to be patient with myself, but there’s just so much I want as far as the person I am becoming goes.  I am literally driven to become more and more aware.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  I guess it’s neither.  I guess I just need to sit back and realize that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.  In my meditation today, I heard that I need to stop worrying about where I’m going and to just be where I am.  There’s nowhere to go—but here.

The rainbow is more beautiful than the pot at the end of it, because the rainbow is now.  And the pot never turns out to be quite what I expected. – Hugh Prather

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June 20 – July 29, 1992

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 12: Progress Not Perfection, tagged , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. – Mahatma Gandhi

June 20, 1992

I have hit my core issues lately and frankly, I feel crazier than ever. I can see why I’ve always run like hell from these feelings. I am in pain—original pain—and it hurts. It all started coming out since I started doing inner child access meditations. I found myself at three. She told me that her mommy didn’t love her.  I found myself at nine and she was sullen and gloomy.  I loved her a lot. Last night, I cried about being separated from Troy and ended up crying about being separated from my parents. I’m finally starting to grieve their divorce. The pain is unbearable, but I’ve got God (and I’ve got myself). I’m ready to walk through this. I don’t have to lose my mind or myself over this anymore. I feel a lot of fear, though.

July 14, 1992

Life is pretty good these days.  I’m not perfect, but right now this very minute, I can think of a lot of things to be grateful for and that’s what really matters – trying to find reasons for being happy rather than excuses for not being happy. I’m so glad that I found A.A. and that God found me.  I just keep on changing and changing.

Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

July 29, 1992

I am in California with my sister. This trip has really made me appreciate home. Something has happened to me. I don’t need turmoil and excitement anymore. I don’t need anything that I don’t already have. All I need this minute is to be still.

I’m beginning to realize what a radical feminist I have become. I never thought I would see the day when I would be so opinionated about women’s roles and other social issues, but that’s who I am becoming. I’m not a minister; I’m a revolutionary. I yearn to be part of the movement that really starts changing the world.

Paige, you are a part of the movement that is changing the world … it is called “recovery.”

We were driving through San Francisco the other day and I saw a homeless man wearing tattered, dirty rags. He was clutching a small animal to his breast. That brought a tear to my eye. That is humanity—to still reach out, to give, and to love even when you’re at an all-time low. That image just won’t leave my mind.  It tore me apart.

Dear God, how far down the scale do we have to go before we open our eyes? I pray for this country. I pray that we all realize that homelessness is everyone’s problem. Dear Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace. My true place is calling. I am going to find my destiny.

Reality eventually forces you to take a second look, and what you see begins to dissolve your selfishness.  You see that you are not alone, that your time will not be spent alone, that your life is in fact many lives, and that no matter how determined you are to make it so, your happiness cannot be solitary.  What you see is that there is something else as important to you as your own life. – Hugh Prather

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March 3 – April 6, 1992

Posted in Book Excerpts, Chapter 11: Uncharted Waters, tagged , , , , , , , , , on September 19, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

March 20, 1992

I am in a lot of turmoil right now.  Troy and I have been having some problems.  Troy does things that really hurt my feelings, but I’m not sure whether he needs to change the behavior or if I need to change my reactions. Sometimes I really question whether or not Troy is the person I am supposed to be with. Sometimes I think that I’m not supposed to be with anyone. I’m so upset. Lately, I have been experiencing so much anger that it scares me. All of these hurt feelings are ancient and these situations with Troy trigger them. Sometimes I feel so insignificant. It’s like everything with Troy comes before me, but is he supposed to put me first? Do I put him first? Do I even love him? Do I even know what love is?

My anxiety is the tension between my desire to control the world and the recognition that I can’t. – Hugh Prather

April 6, 1992

I finally came to some conclusions about what has been happening with Troy. First, his personal growth is none of my business.  Second, it’s not his job to adjust himself to my liking. My job is to accept him or leave him and I don’t want to leave him.  Basically, I’ve been mad because he won’t do what I want him to do when I want him to do it.

The other day it occurred to me that other people’s inability to own up to their wrong-doing is not about me. It took me twenty years of therapy, five and a half years of A.A., and every mistake imaginable to get me to even begin to own my imperfections so where do I get off expecting others to understand this? Remember, “Anyone who thinks that all of the fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries doesn’t know anything about grapes.”

Troy is a grape, Paige.  Leave him alone.  Live and let live.

I’ve been realizing a lot of things, which help me understand how I ended up so twisted. Basically, I just didn’t get enough attention as a child; which caused emotional neglect. That’s all fine and well, but I’m really ready to let go of all of that, pray for Mom and Dad, and begin anew. Regardless of how painful and sad my life has been, God has helped me through it and who I am becoming and where I am today is enough.

Face it, Paige, all of that is behind you. There’s absolutely no reason whatsoever to be angry or to feel sorry for yourself anymore. You don’t ever have to go back if you don’t want to.

The farther I go, the more miraculous my life becomes. God has carried me a long way and I believe that this is just the beginning.

It is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

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