April 16, 1991
I have really been on an emotional crying jag lately. I get angry and feel sorry for myself because when I need someone to comfort me, Troy can’t do it to my satisfaction, but it’s not his job to comfort me when I need comfort; it’s mine and God’s. The problem is that I’m a little teeny girl—in an adult body—who needs a lot of love. I think I’m just having growing pains.
Things are at a point where I don’t really have anything to complain about. I’m so addicted to intensity and excitement that the lack of it almost makes me crazy. Obtaining peace in the midst of the storm is nothing to obtaining peace in the midst of the peace. It’s me! It’s me! It’s me! I’m my problem.
I guess that I’ve just been coming out of denial and seeing that I really do need to change. I am irresponsible, immature, and lazy. Basically, I just need to grow up and face the responsibilities of personhood. I want to throw my arms up and retreat with people having to take care of me, but I can’t stand myself when I do those things. I just can’t get away with self-pity anymore because it irritates me with myself.
I guess what is really going on is that a parent-child relationship within me is developing. I’ve always resented people telling me what to do, but now I don’t have that and I feel that I need it. Guess what? I do have a disciplinarian and He’s inside of me. I think that I’ve always been rebellious of authority because I was in such denial about my need for direction and discipline. Paradoxically, it seems that when I realize that I really need discipline and become willing to accept it, I get it from within. This journey really is about becoming integrated into one whole, healthy, human being.
I finally met up with my wounded child. She’s about 10 years old, in a lot of pain, and lashing out with anger. This is a trip.
The bottom line is that I am beginning to change from the inside out. I may not want to grow up, but I need to. I am beginning to want what I need rather than need what I want. Thy will, not mine, be done.
We begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions