March 29, 1991
I’ve been running into my defects a lot this week. I’ve noticed that I really lash out and behave defensively when I’m wrong. The lady at the mental health clinic asked me about paying my bill and I lashed out at her. I missed an appointment in Irving today and tried to blame the person I had the appointment with. I guess I have a problem with facing the fact that I’m very irresponsible. I like to pretend that I’m not irresponsible, but I’m tired of trying to fool everybody. Maybe I’m just fooling myself. I need God to help me change.
I’ve also noticed that I tend to expect perfection rather than be grateful for progress. I really need to work on gratitude for what is rather than expectations of what will be and I need to work on patience with the process. It’s the journey that counts; not the destination.
I’m beginning to see that if I will put the energy I use trying to convince Troy that he needs to change into doing all of the things that I need to be doing for myself, I will most likely see some changes in myself that will probably ease my perception that Troy needs to change. Denial is a monster because sometimes I really can believe that I’m looking at myself when I’m looking at anything but myself. Guess who I’m talking to when I say “You need to change and you need to work harder in the relationship?” I’m talking to myself. It’s me. It’s all me. This whole life of mine is nothing but a mirror to teach me who I am and what is going on.
Once again, it all boils down to nothing but God. Only He can show me these things. Only He can change me. The only thing that really matters is my relationship with Him. I am powerless. I believe in God. I surrender. Help me honestly inventory myself, Father. Show me the way.
For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
April 5, 1991
Things are so weird right now because I’m not accustomed to absence of emotional turmoil. Troy and I haven’t had a single blow up this week. I’m beginning to believe that all of the fighting really has been a result of my fits when I don’t get my way.
I’ve been thinking about the other relationships. I’ve always wanted my men dependent on me so I could have control (or let’s say the “illusion” of control). Letting go of that illusion is one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do.
My biggest complaint about the relationship with Troy is that we don’t do things the way I want, but the other relationships were the way I thought I wanted them and they didn’t work. I always knew that the “living together” thing was a mistake, but I never had the discipline to delay gratification nor the emotional maturity to be solo and entertain myself so that I did not require constant companionship to distract me.
I guess I should be grateful for the progress. I’m definitely a lot more comfortable with being alone than I used to be, but the discipline thing is surely lacking and delay of gratification is being imposed on me. If I had my way, Troy and I would be married. Thank God, I don’t have my way. God is definitely doing for me what I can’t do for myself.
It is necessary that we extricate from an examination of our personal relations every bit of information about ourselves and our fundamental difficulties that we can. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
April 10, 1991
My attitude towards Dad is changing a lot. That’s what trips me out about recovery – you dream of all of these things that would require miracles to happen and then realize that what’s really required is a change in yourself in order to accept life on life’s terms. Guess what? Life on life’s terms is a miracle.
The truth is that life is good and everything is okay the way it is. Now, to get to a state of mind where you can see that is a miracle. I never dreamed in a million years that beyond forgiving Dad, I would realize that I was wrong in blaming him. I’m grateful for all of this because it’s giving me something that I’ve needed for a long time, respect for Dad.
My prayers really are being answered. My faith is strong right now and my willingness to change is at a very high level. I look forward to these changes because the more I change, the better my life seems to get.
Who needs fame when plain old life turns out to be not so plain? Life really is a gift. Thank you, God.
Don’t ask the world to change – you change first. – Anthony DeMello