April 5, 1990
I read Women Who Love Too Much. It’s all about me – the kind of woman who falls for a man who she can help. It’s noble and altruistic. It’s also sick. It really explained to me how I keep trying to resolve my deal with Dad by attracting the same type of men that he is – emotionally unavailable – and then trying to win their approval. It can’t be done. I just have to overcome the need through acceptance.
I also realize that I can strive for total surrender and bliss, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have bad days that hurt. I’ve been happy and I share that in meetings, but I also realize that I need to be willing to share my pain. Number One, because I need the support and number two, because I need to keep myself off of the pedestal that I am so afraid of getting on as I climb on top of it. I need the humility that hurting and needing support from others gives me. This balance deal is tough.
April 10, 1990
I’ve been a little confused lately. I guess it’s because I sometimes have this arrogant attitude that I’ve got the greatest program in the world and then everything changes and I realize that I am a spiritual becoming – not being. That’s the deal – everything changes – constantly.
Troy said that what I’m looking for in a relationship is a fairy tale. I’ve never seen what I want modeled so maybe there really is no such thing. What I’ve got to accept is that those intense relationships that I yearn for are temporary and unhealthy. Sometimes I think that I feel so uncomfortable with Troy because unhealthy is what feels comfortable to me. Troy is the kind of guy I’ve always fantasized about being with, but I’m unhappy with him.
There’s something very scary about getting what you want – it takes away your excuse for being dissatisfied.
Never was there enough of what we thought we wanted. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
April 17, 1990
The other day a friend of mine told me that she fears that I laugh at her behind her back. I said that I would never do that and then I had the sickening realization that I do it all the time. I’m not a very good friend sometimes. I assassinate the character of the people that I am supposed to love the most. That realization is very painful for me, but I also realize that the realization itself is progress.
Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony? – Alcoholics Anonymous