January 1, 1990
I’ll never forget 1989 – the year I woke up! I’ve been learning a lot about life. Lately, I have been complaining that my spirituality is slipping. I think that more than anything, my ego has been deflating. I was getting very arrogant and cocky for a while there.
Self is the root, the branches, the tree, of all the evil of our fallen state. – Andrew Murray
January 15, 1990
Today, my daughter cut her chin and had to get stitches. I was proud of both of us. She was a brave little soldier and I kept it together and handled the situation like an adult. I was able to be there for her and that was a valuable experience. I love her so much and it hurt to see her in pain and fear, but it felt good to be strong enough to be her mother. This morning I was watching her and my eyes filled with tears. I must have done something right to be blessed with such a beautiful and cheerful child. There’s just nothing quite as tender as the love I feel for her. Being her mother is such an honor.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. – Alcoholics Anonymous
January 20, 1990
Last night, Troy (my new boyfriend) and I got into a big fight and I ended up hysterical. The bottom line is that no matter how spiritual I am, I am still alcoholic emotionally. When I go nuts, the only place I can get what I need to feel better is Alcoholics Anonymous.
The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed. – Alcoholics Anonymous
January 22, 1990
My pride has really been in the way lately. I guess my tripped out spiritual experience knocked me way off balance because I actually started believing that I belonged on a pedestal as an example of how to be. I am no longer an example of how not to be, but I’ve got a long way to go and a lot to learn before I will be qualified to be a model human being; especially a model Christian.
I hate admitting all of this, but I know that it’s true. I realize, though, that I can’t hate myself for being immature. So much of this junk has to do with my addiction, and as they say, “I’m not responsible for my disease, but I am responsible for my recovery.” It’s not really all my fault that I’m so crazy, but it’s up to me to be willing to grow up.
I know the grown-up Paige is coming. Sometimes, she makes a sneak preview. However, I don’t know how to keep her here at all times; at least I don’t know how yet. I am definitely doing the best that I can do – I even think I might be trying too hard. I love myself and I accept myself just the way that I am, yet I am willing to change – more than willing, I want to change – on the inside. My goals have always pertained to external things – my income level, my weight, my job, and my possessions. I never once thought about defining goals for the kind of person I want to be; until now. Anyway, once again, I see that my ego blew up and my humility vanished.
Pride and humility are the two master powers, the two kingdoms in strife for the eternal possession of a person’s soul. – Andrew Murray