October 23, 1989
Deep in my heart, I believe that God is establishing His Kingdom on earth, but I am through discussing it with people who aren’t really into the Jesus Christ thing. I’m convinced now that there is truth in Christianity. I started asking for the truth and here I am, seeing the world through the eyes of love. It’s hard work, though, because the world isn’t exactly being run on positive energy.
What kills me is that after every meeting, we stand there and recite the Lord’s prayer, “Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done …” and then if you even so much as insinuate that it might really be happening, everyone goes nuts. If we don’t really believe it, why do we bother to say the prayer?
All I know is that every day I become a little more accepting of the fact that I am just now beginning to get even a glimpse of what’s really going on. We truly do live in a material world and I have been a material girl.
In the program, they define insanity as doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. When I was doing that, it felt normal and now, going in a new direction feels foreign. The saner I become, the crazier I seem to those around me. I’m beginning to understand what Mike meant when he said that I would realize that I am in enemy occupied territory.
I guess I just need to shut up and listen to other people for a while and try to help them rather than explaining the meaning of life to them. I’m beginning to realize that most people aren’t interested in the meaning of life.
My greatest wish would be that we could all enter the Kingdom simultaneously. Ah, heaven on earth. Oh well, I’m not going to stop dreaming. Even though I really don’t have anyone to talk to right now, I still find great comfort during my quiet time alone with God.
Oh well, I’m sticking to the only good decision I have ever made – the one to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand Him. I guess I just need to pipe down and live it for a while and let my life speak for itself.
Do you wish to be great? Then begin by being. Do you desire to construct a vast and lofty fabric? Think first about the foundations of humility. The higher your structure is to be, the deeper must be its foundation. – Saint Augustine
October 25, 1989
Everything is great! Well, everything is exactly like it’s always been, but I feel better. I’ve been leveling out. The magic is intense and exciting, but I think that I can handle the transformation better if it’s gradual rather than overnight. I have definitely become a true-blue Christian. I read Mere Christianity and it helped me a lot. I have truly been born again and am in the process of allowing Christ to take over and master my life. Thank God! He literally saved me.
We were reborn … We were now at Step Three.
Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and be rid of, the things in ourselves that had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. – Alcoholics Anonymous
October 28, 1989
Well, I’m still the new me. Thank God! It’s finally sunk in that I have actually gotten a little better and that as long as I maintain my spiritual condition, I don’t ever have to go back to my old ways again.
I am being seriously called into the ministry. I don’t care if I ever own a thing or have a credit card. All I want is to know my God. It’s so ironic that I wrote my college entrance essay on self-understanding. I see now that who I am today is just an evolution of who I have always been. I’m just coming of age.
All of the pain and suffering has been worth it. I’ve looked at the picture from many angles and where I sit now is definitely the best view I’ve ever had. The beautiful thing is that we can all sit in the same seat. No one has to move in order for someone else to see.
We have seen what we are not, and what God wants us to be, but are we willing to be battered into the shape of the vision to be used by God? – Oswald Chambers
October 31, 1989
I need to realize that even though sometimes my way and God’s way coincide, that doesn’t mean that He’s going to grant my every wish. He’s my Master – not vice versa.
Don’t forget that, Paige.
Let us avoid the fatal mistake of calling Christ “Master” but not doing what He says. – Andrew Murray
November 28, 1989
One of the biggest things that I need to stop doing is comparing myself to other people. When I was doing poorly, I would compare myself to other people and feel worthless and now that I’m doing so much better, I compare myself to others and feel like top-dog. This is wrong! I am willing to let go of this character defect.
There is only one person with whom you can profitably compare yourself, and this person is your yesterday self. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
December 12, 1989
Face it, Paige, when you first woke up you felt as though you had it all figured out. You’re at the tip of the iceberg, babe.
This life is a school from which I will never graduate as long as I’m alive. The finish line is my last breath. I just need to slow down and stop reacting to other people. I can only work on myself. I can only control my own thoughts and behavior to the best of my ability. I cannot change the world. I can’t even change me. All I can do is trust God and do the things which are in front of me to do and keep praying and believing that God will do for me what I cannot do for myself.