November 15, 1988
I’ve been so lost lately that I have totally neglected the baby. I need to start taking care of her myself instead of letting my grandmother do it for me. I hate myself for being so selfish. The issues concerning motherhood have caused me so much pain lately. The way I expected to feel as a mother and the way I actually feel are so different. The one thing blocking the way between my little girl and me is a tremendous amount of selfishness and laziness. Realizing these things hurts so badly, but the pain is cleansing.
November 19, 1988
I started to change jobs yesterday, but I decided against it. It’s me that needs to change; not my job or where I live or who I date or even how I look. It’s very hard for me to accept and understand that.
I want to live from the inside out, not from the outside in. – Hugh Prather
November 29, 1988
I just hate the person that I am. I want to change so badly, but I don’t even know how. I just pray that the Twelve Steps will do the job.
For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? – Romans 7:19,24
November 30, 1988
I chaired the 10:00 meeting at N.A. It was my first time to chair a meeting and I enjoyed it. The topic was “forgiveness” and by the time the meeting was over, I felt forgiveness for myself for neglecting Laurel and for Dad for not being there when I was growing up. The thought crossed my mind that we’re all just human beings doing the best that we know how.
Forgiveness is only real for him who has discovered the weakness of his friends and the sins of his enemy in his own heart and is willing to call every human being his brother. – Henri J. M. Nouwen
December 17, 1988
I had a pretty rough week. The issues withLaurelare still tearing me apart. The responsibility of taking care of her is just too much for me. As things are now, I only see her on Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays and then she goes to Mom’s from Wednesday to Sunday. A part of me feels very guilty for not being with her more, but I tried keeping her all week this week and frankly, it was just more than I could handle. I had anxiety all week long. I just wish that I could be a stable mother, but I can’t.
I don’t feel very good about myself right now. I have little hope that this program will work for me because I’m either too busy with work or too lazy when off work to work it. Trying to balance all of the things in my life is hard.
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. – Alcoholics Anonymous