January 23, 1988
I’m going to have to accept the fact that this situation is very painful for me and that I can’t hide from the pain. I decided that a little crank would lift my spirits, but all it did was increase my anxiety and paranoia.
I took Laurel to a drug house and I feel very ashamed about it. I don’t know how low I’ve got to go before I finally start climbing out of all of this. I hope I’m at the bottom because all of this is frazzling me. I feel so lost. I keep praying and praying, but I just don’t feel like God is hearing my prayers. All I want is to handle Ben’s departure without a panic-stricken urgency to react. I can’t kill myself and I can’t kill Ben.
Where I stand right now, I can’t even love me the way I want to be loved; much less expect someone else to do it. I see that I’ve still got so much growing to do. I don’t know how to do any of this changing stuff. If I’ve ever needed a miracle, it’s now. I’ve been so sick for such a long time. I know that I’m trying to get well in my own weak way, but I must admit that I feel kind of hopeless. I really would kill myself if I didn’t love Laurel so much and if I didn’t at least want to believe those people in A.A. when they say it works. I just have to work it!
What I really ought to be praying for is gratitude. I’m feeling sorry for myself because this irresponsible jerk is abandoning me when I’ve still got a beautiful and healthy daughter, a free place to live, food to eat, a free car to drive, clothes to wear, a support group with people who care, a therapist, a family that loves me, the ability to write, beauty, intelligence, and a whole joyful life ahead of me just waiting to be lived if I will just stop feeling sorry for myself and thinking I’ve got it all so bad because I’m a single parent. It was my decision. I’m so sick and tired of playing the victim. Please, God, help me to stop. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired!
The things we try to avoid and fight against – tribulation, suffering, and persecution – are the very things that produce abundant joy in us. – Oswald Chambers
January 26, 1988
Ben left yesterday. He said to be optimistic; that it will work out. I don’t believe him. All I know is that I must rely on God and start over.
What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. – Alcoholics Anonymous
February 2, 1988
I’ve been realizing a few things the past couple of days. The time has come for me to take care of myself as first priority and then everyone else secondly. It sounds selfish, but until I start providing myself with the love and care that I so desperately need, I’ll never find it, be able to give it, or share who I am with others. I’ve got to get to know who I am and where I stand before I can be in an intimate relationship. I must face the fact that I have to be patient and wait until the time is right. I have faith that eventually that time will come.
I’m feeling better lately because it’s finally dawning on me that my thoughts and emotions are but a part of me – not who I am. I can control them if I learn how and I think that I am learning.
Life is a mystery, which means your thinking mind cannot make sense out of it. For that you’ve got to wake up and then you’ll suddenly realize that reality is not problematic, you are the problem. – Anthony DeMello
February 7, 1988
Where Ben is concerned, I’ve given up hope (he promised to call when he got to New York, but I never heard from him again).How could he talk of “sending for the baby and me and announcing our engagement” and then just walk away? Even worse, why did I believe him? I knew he was lying, but I hid it from myself. My fantasy of Ben gained too much power and control over my willingness to face reality.
February 14, 1988
I must admit that I miss Ben’s companionship more than I miss Ben.
February 24, 1988
The meeting tonight was on God’s will. I don’t know what God’s will for me is except to love myself enough to take responsibility for my own happiness and to take the best care of myself that I can. I can see the healing process going into effect. I don’t know where I’m going, but I do know that it’s time to start walking.
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. – Albert Camus