November 19, 1987
I realized tonight that I have never really worked the Steps because I haven’t wanted to quit drinking enough to really face what’s going on inside of me. I’ve got to do the work and trust God to guide me through it. Asking him to remove my character defects without first taking the time to find out what they are just doesn’t cut it. I have been working a superficial program.
Every drink is a lie to myself that the outcome won’t be the same. I must get honest with myself and humble before God. I must accept defeat. I must let go of the things that make me miserable before God can take them from me. This program is a program of action and I’ve been sitting on my butt for nine months. No wonder I keep getting drunk.
Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. – Alcoholics Anonymous
November 29, 1987
Tomorrow is my birthday and tonight I got very tempted to drink for celebration’s sake, but something important occurred to me that stopped the temptation. I realized that, when I drink, I let negative thinking start up again and then I have to work ten times harder to turn it around. I’ve been feeling pretty good these past few days because my thinking is not near as negative as it has been lately. Consequently, I’m not depressed, anxious, or worried about things that haven’t happened yet. Right thinking is an important thing to pray for.
I got Laurel on a good eating and sleeping schedule. She’s so nice to have around. She keeps me motivated. Her needs are simple, but they are also very time-consuming. I love her.
I’ve started throwing up again. I tell you, if it’s not one thing, it’s another. I guess I need to get myself on a good eating and sleeping schedule. Right now I really don’t care because I’m so fat that I’ll do anything to get thin. If I get too thin (that’ll be the day), I’ll worry.
What you give up violently you are forever bound to. – Anthony DeMello
December 5, 1987
I had a long talk with Ben last night. I got some insight into him and saw that his parents made him feel undeserving. It made me sad for him because I definitely understand what it means to feel unlovable.
Ben said that our childhoods are over and we should forget about them; he just wants to accomplish his goals. I agree that it’s ridiculous to wallow in the past, but when you have deep-rooted pain, it seems like you need to identify it in order to resolve it. I think it’s important to look back.
There can be no knowledge until knowing reaches the hidden reasons. – Meister Eckhart
December 10, 1987
I drank again last weekend because I did some diet pills that made me feel bad and then rationalized that some drinks might take the edge off. Stinking Thinking! Then a couple of days later, I figured “what the hell” and had a few beers. I feel very remorseful about it because I really don’t want to drink, but I like the speed right now because it keeps me from eating. That’s a justification, though. I know that I shouldn’t be doing anything that affects me from the neck up.
I haven’t been to a meeting in a week.
There was always the curious phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse. – Alcoholics Anonymous