October 3, 1987
Laurel and I were released from the hospital today. Overnight, she subtly became the most important thing in my life. She is so precious and has the funniest little personality.
October 20, 1987
My first weeks of motherhood freaked me out, but I’m adjusting better now and feeling more comfortable with the role. I’m getting to knowLaurelbetter so she seems more like a person to me than a little doll that’s going to break.
I’m becoming apprehensive about trusting Ben. He’s been acting differently.
October 28, 1987
The tension between Ben and I has been mounting. I’m afraid that the responsibility that goes with my life now is too much for him.
The last couple of days have been horrible. I haven’t been sleeping andLaurel’s sensing my general unrest. I’m withdrawing from alcohol all over again and am becoming very depressed.
I’m so unhappy right now. The responsibility ofLaurelis overwhelming me and not drinking is very hard. To be honest, I feel hopeless and suicidal, but I have faith that “this too shall pass.” Existing is very difficult today.
In a storm the tree puts down deeper roots into the soil; through suffering the Father leads us to enter more deeply into the love of Christ. – Andrew Murray
October 29, 1987
Today was a very beautiful day and I felt grateful to be back in A.A. Yesterday, I was suicidal and today I feel exhilarated. No, I don’t have a chemical imbalance! There’s nothing like being an over-emotional, alcoholic, insane, manic-depressive. A.A. was created for people just like me.
Today I realized that I can choose either to love Ben or not, but that decision must be based on accepting him for who he is; not on who I want him to be. I can’t change him.
I once heard someone say to “Imagine how happy you’d be if you lost everything you had and then got it back.” Well, I lost A.A. for awhile and, with it, my contact with my Higher Power. It’s funny to think that yesterday I wished I were dead. I like looking at life so much better from the non-judgmental, positive side. Just having sunshine, classical violins, Laurel, and A.A. in this world is priceless.
Be thankful for the smallest thing, and you will be worthy to receive something greater. – Thomas a’ Kempis
November 16, 1987
I drank again Friday at Shannon’s wedding shower. I felt a little too good and a celebratory glass of champagne seemed reasonable. Then I turned around and drank all day the next day, trying to knock out the hangover. Then I had a few more last night, trying to knock out that all-around horrible feeling. Of course, all of this was in conjunction with overeating and throwing up. I’m telling you, obsessive-compulsive behavior doesn’t die from starvation.In one day, I was reliving the hell of last year.
I think that my psychiatric meds may finally be working. I woke up today feeling good for no reason. It’s sad to think that all of my life I’ve been so miserable that I’ve had to have a reason to feel good.
One thing that is great is this little angel daughter of mine. I’m starting to love her so much. She is the most precious little girl I’ve ever known. It’s still hard for me to express, but something very special is happening between us. She’s taken Ben’s place in my heart.
What makes you happy or unhappy is not your world or the people around you, but the thinking in your head.- Anthony DeMello