July 7, 1987
Ben and I went to Austin for the fourth of July. We had a wonderful time. I’m in love with him. At this time I can see the similarities between joy and pain. I love him so much that it hurts because I keep allowing myself to become fearful that it’s all going to slip away.
Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst of the unquenchable? – Kahlil Gibran
July 12, 1987
I’ve been spending a lot of time with Ben and allowing myself to genuinely care for and share with him. I can’t believe how much work it is to be fair and loving. I am so grateful for this second chance with him.
The fragrance always remains in the hand that gave the rose. – Heda Bejar
July 15, 1987
I didn’t see Ben the past few days and I feel depressed and anxious. I don’t know how to love without becoming addicted.
July 28, 1987
Ben spoke of marriage again this weekend. My spiritual growth is important to me, but so is Ben.
You shall have no other gods before Me. – Exodus 20:3
August 2, 1987
I got depressed last night and let my thinking get crazy enough to allow myself to believe that a few drinks would help. Needless to say, I’m very remorseful. Right now I feel like I’m going to feel this way forever and that nothing in this world could possibly make me happy or make me feel better. I know that this is not true, though. I know that this too shall pass and that the meaning of life will continue to shine through.
I’ve got to accept the fact that I’m powerless over alcohol and that only through acceptance of this fact will I be able to endure the changes in my life. My life is less unmanageable than it used to be, but that will not hold true if I continue to poison myself with the first drink.
I’ve been feeling anxious over Ben. It’s hard for me to let things progress at God’s speed. I want him to make a decision about our future.
August 4, 1987
I suffered horrible depression the past two days that evolved into an irritable and agitated mood. I feel very negative and self-destructive. I realized today the full extent of my mental illness that I’ve always casually referred to as “my self-destructive tendencies.” I have hope that I will someday lead a normal, happy life, but I also see that it is going to take work and effort and that the spiritual side of my life needs to grow even stronger.
I want to live and I want to be good, but it is very hard not to become very angry and say, “Why me? What did I do to deserve all this?” Anyway, I’m going to endure. I have faith.
For we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. – Alcoholics Anonymous
August 7, 1987
I am getting a cold, hard look at the way I tend to think negatively rather than positively. It is sickening. I want so much to just relax and let God take care of things. I really do want to believe that everything is going to be all right, but that kind of faith is so foreign to my old way of thinking. I guess because I was raised on rejection and disappointment, I can’t believe that God wants good things for me.
Letting go of fear is definitely proving to be my hardest defect to overcome. I sometimes want to break up with Ben so he can’t break up with me first, but I’m not going to run away. I’m going to stand and face it. I truly do believe that fear is the root of all evil.
The chances that you will wake up are in direct proportion to the amount of truth you can take without running away. – Anthony DeMello
