April 21, 1987
Change and acceptance seem to go hand in hand. I got drunk last Saturday in a last ditch effort to deny change (growth). I have to accept a lot of things that I don’t want to; one being that I am sometimes a very selfish and immature person. The time has come to accept the passing of my childish youth and progress into honest-to-God adulthood. It doesn’t mean that I must relinquish my inherent innocence and predisposition to love; yet it does mean that I must accept responsibility for my actions and dedicate time into the evolution of who I am destined to become.
Unfortunately, I must do it alone; with the help of and through the grace of God. No other person can do it for me or replace my need to do it. I owe it to myself and to this child who will look to me alone for guidance. I must exert 100 percent effort to obtain this growth that leads to recovery and peace of mind. Through the grace of God, I will succeed.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. – Abraham Lincoln
April 23, 1987
I saw Ben tonight and realized that, at last, I am working this program for myself and for God – no one else. I don’t care if he thinks I’m unattractive pregnant. I don’t care if he thinks I’m ruining my life. I’m not ruining his. I have to do what I feel to be right no matter what he thinks or does. I can’t change him. All I can do is be myself and love him for who he is. I’m happy to say, I expect nothing from him. I have faith in God.
Faith must be tested because it can only become your intimate possession through conflict. – Oswald Chambers
May 1, 1987
I am in great pain today. I want a drink or a joint or a valium or a line of coke or a gun: something to relieve this horrible, unbearable feeling that I have, but I know that the true solution is to live one day at a time and pray for a better tomorrow. Why does living hurt so much sometimes? I don’t want to lose faith, but I am just not accustomed to dealing with pain like this. It seems like everything is going to hell today – including my attitude. I feel so negative! I finally just surrendered and came home to pray, read my A.A. book, and search for serenity.
Being without a mate hurts big time! I know I have to really love myself and help myself (with God doing the major part of the work, of course) before I can truly love someone else. It’s just so hard sometimes. But if God wants me alone then alone I will be; whatever it takes to free me from my ego that isolates me from the whole. Egomania is not God’s will. At tonight’s meeting, a man said that self-centeredness is true hell – when your puny little problems seem important. I don’t want to live in hell. This is tough, but like I’ve heard in the meetings, “Surrender!” I know that if I am patient, good things will happen and I will most likely end up in a nice, healthy relationship, but it doesn’t keep me from feeling lonely.
Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions