July 23, 1982
I do believe that God exists because when I deny Him, my life seems to block itself from understanding. I’ve evaluated everything and reset my goals, but the anxiety and depression won’t go away.
Maybe I expect too much too soon. I’ve spent a lot of time denying my needs – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I guess it will take time to mend. I’ve got to stop losing myself all the time or someday I might not be able to find me again.
Eat right, exercise, no marijuana, pray, be nice, work hard, alcohol in moderation: I always set the same goals, but they never seem to materialize. Why am I such a self-defeatist?
God has placed me in the middle between 12 step programs and the church. I pray for Him to please lead me one way or the other, but all I ever hear back is, “stay in the middle and endure the tension.” Some people in 12 step programs assert that you can’t work step one unless you have something that you are specifically powerless over. Then there are people in the church who get defensive when you mention powerlessness at all. I guess they feel that since they have Jesus in their hearts, they have all the power the need.
My experience is that I can have Jesus in my heart, but sometimes He can’t move beyond there because my self is in the way. Without the inventory process that 12 step programs avail, I will claim Jesus as Lord, but label my defects as assets; never realizing that I am motivated by self and not God. Like Mother Teresa said, “Even God cannot fill what is already full.” On the other hand, until I truly became surrendered to God, I was one of those people who couldn’t do the right thing to save my life. I was powerless over many things other than alcohol.
Romans 7:15 says it all, “For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.” For power to flow in my life, I must rely on God, but also examine my ways to expose myself when I confuse sin and virtue. I need Jesus and a program.