September 26, 1980
I remember a little girl on her third birthday. Her smile was bright and her dreams were real. She didn’t know a lot of things that she knows now, but she’s still the same little girl. I’m still the same little girl.
I’ve got to see myself in this light so I can start loving myself. I’ve cried and cried lately for the little girl I never got to be. It feels good because I have never really cried about that before. Now the big girl doesn’t feel quite so lost.
I’ve always loved people who don’t love me in return; except me.
Before recovery, any look at my self was critical and condemning – all I saw were flaws and defects. I am now a Psychology major so I have been educated concerning Freud’s theories of defense mechanisms. Therefore, I am better able to understand where many of my character defects originated.
I have used many different defenses to shield myself from the reality of pain, suffering, and injustice. Unfortunately, as time passed, behaviors that once protected me became glaring character defects that caused self-hatred. In the wake of this self-condemnation was a yearning for lost innocence.
The 12 steps have helped me to face and be rid of these protective behaviors that eventually incarcerated me within myself. I will never be a little girl again, but this deconstruction allows the innocence and vulnerability of my true self to remain free of debilitating debris – one day at a time