July 21, 1980
I’ve never felt so hopeless in my life. I have lost all of my optimism. I’m afraid I’m going to do something horrible to myself. What’s even worse is that I question whether or not this drama is not my way of getting attention from Chris. I’ve pumped myself with more drugs and alcohol than seems practical or imaginable and I still feel miserable. What’s even worse is feeling like nothing will ever make me feel better. The only thing in the world right now that gives me a will to live is Chris and I see that even he could not make me feel happy.
I don’t understand what horrible thing is happening to me. If there is a God in Heaven – like I once believed there was – I beg Him to make me feel good once again. This pain is killing me.
The inwardness of the coming generation can lead either to a higher level of hypocrisy or to the discovery of the reality of the unseen which can make for a new world. – Henri J. M. Nouwen
July 30, 1980
There’s still a part of me that can’t give up. That gives me hope.
August 4, 1980
Things are suddenly starting to seem better. Just when I think that I’m flipping out for good and absolutely losing my mind, I realize that pain and confusion are a part of learning and redefining who I am.
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. – Kahlil Gibran
When I was young, I recognized that there was an immense void within me, but I did not know how to fill it. I used drugs, alcohol, food, sex, and attention-seeking to try to fill it, but those solutions worked only temporarily – if at all.
I have learned that the only way out is through. The more I try to stuff, repress, numb, or deny my feelings of pain and confusion, the more vengefully they will resurface in the long-run. I can either fully embrace my treacherous feelings or they will continue to cause disturbances within me.
In 12 step programs, we are taught that “this too shall pass.” No truer words have been spoken. No matter how painful or fearful any situation has been, when I have been willing to embrace the feelings and keep putting one foot in front of the other, I have grown. I have learned that every pocket of frozen pain that I am willing to thaw and experience becomes living water for new joy and freedom. Of course, none of this would be possible without the grace and the power of God.