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Book Excerpt: December 27 & 29, 1987

May 30, 2012 by Paige DeHart

December 27, 1987

Today I went to visit a friend and just dreaded coming home. I’m so lonely. I know that I’m not supposed to feel alone with God in my life, but I do. I guess I just have growing pains.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; and you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.  And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. – Kahlil Gibran

December 29, 1987

I love motherhood. The person that I am with Laurelis the best person that I’ve ever been – the person I enjoy being. The love I feel for Laurelaffirms greater faith in God and new love for myself. One look at her and I know that there’s a God.

As you lay your head to rest,

cradled in the nest of my bosom,

I wonder with awe at the miracle I see

as regal splendor blossoms in eternity.

While bathing in your precious smile,

filled with joy I get charmed for awhile

as my prayer is affirmed

that man is not lost forever.

With a gentle stroke to your tiny face,

I catch a glimpse of myself

that helps to erase

the hopelessness I’d come to know

for I love you so.

How God must love His children even more.

O, precious, infant child of mine,

you’re all that’s gracious and divine.

You’ve the light of the world in those sparkling eyes.

You’re one of God’s angels in disguise.

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Book Excerpt: 11/19/1987-12/10/1987

May 14, 2012 by Paige DeHart

November 19, 1987

I realized tonight that I have never really worked the Steps because I haven’t wanted to quit drinking enough to really face what’s going on inside of me. I’ve got to do the work and trust God to guide me through it. Asking him to remove my character defects without first taking the time to find out what they are just doesn’t cut it. I have been working a superficial program.

Every drink is a lie to myself that the outcome won’t be the same. I must get honest with myself and humble before God. I must accept defeat. I must let go of the things that make me miserable before God can take them from me. This program is a program of action and I’ve been sitting on my butt for nine months. No wonder I keep getting drunk.

Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. – Alcoholics Anonymous

November 29, 1987

Tomorrow is my birthday and tonight I got very tempted to drink for celebration’s sake, but something important occurred to me that stopped the temptation. I realized that, when I drink, I let negative thinking start up again and then I have to work ten times harder to turn it around. I’ve been feeling pretty good these past few days because my thinking is not near as negative as it has been lately. Consequently, I’m not depressed, anxious, or worried about things that haven’t happened yet. Right thinking is an important thing to pray for.

I got Laurel on a good eating and sleeping schedule. She’s so nice to have around. She keeps me motivated. Her needs are simple, but they are also very time-consuming. I love her.

I’ve started throwing up again. I tell you, if it’s not one thing, it’s another. I guess I need to get myself on a good eating and sleeping schedule. Right now I really don’t care because I’m so fat that I’ll do anything to get thin. If I get too thin (that’ll be the day), I’ll worry.

What you give up violently you are forever bound to. – Anthony DeMello

December 5, 1987

I had a long talk with Ben last night. I got some insight into him and saw that his parents made him feel undeserving. It made me sad for him because I definitely understand what it means to feel unlovable.

Ben said that our childhoods are over and we should forget about them; he just wants to accomplish his goals. I agree that it’s ridiculous to wallow in the past, but when you have deep-rooted pain, it seems like you need to identify it in order to resolve it. I think it’s important to look back.

There can be no knowledge until knowing reaches the hidden reasons. – Meister Eckhart

December 10, 1987

I drank again last weekend because I did some diet pills that made me feel bad and then rationalized that some drinks might take the edge off. Stinking Thinking! Then a couple of days later, I figured “what the hell” and had a few beers. I feel very remorseful about it because I really don’t want to drink, but I like the speed right now because it keeps me from eating. That’s a justification, though.  I know that I shouldn’t be doing anything that affects me from the neck up.

I haven’t been to a meeting in a week.

There was always the curious phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse. – Alcoholics Anonymous

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Book Excerpt: 10/03/1987-11/16/1987

May 9, 2012 by Paige DeHart

October 3, 1987

Laurel and I were released from the hospital today. Overnight, she subtly became the most important thing in my life. She is so precious and has the funniest little personality.

October 20, 1987

My first weeks of motherhood freaked me out, but I’m adjusting better now and feeling more comfortable with the role. I’m getting to knowLaurelbetter so she seems more like a person to me than a little doll that’s going to break.

I’m becoming apprehensive about trusting Ben. He’s been acting differently.

October 28, 1987

The tension between Ben and I has been mounting. I’m afraid that the responsibility that goes with my life now is too much for him.

The last couple of days have been horrible. I haven’t been sleeping andLaurel’s sensing my general unrest. I’m withdrawing from alcohol all over again and am becoming very depressed.

I’m so unhappy right now. The responsibility ofLaurelis overwhelming me and not drinking is very hard. To be honest, I feel hopeless and suicidal, but I have faith that “this too shall pass.” Existing is very difficult today.

In a storm the tree puts down deeper roots into the soil; through suffering the Father leads us to enter more deeply into the love of Christ. – Andrew Murray

October 29, 1987

Today was a very beautiful day and I felt grateful to be back in A.A. Yesterday, I was suicidal and today I feel exhilarated. No, I don’t have a chemical imbalance! There’s nothing like being an over-emotional, alcoholic, insane, manic-depressive. A.A. was created for people just like me.

Today I realized that I can choose either to love Ben or not, but that decision must be based on accepting him for who he is; not on who I want him to be. I can’t change him.

I once heard someone say to “Imagine how happy you’d be if you lost everything you had and then got it back.” Well, I lost A.A. for awhile and, with it, my contact with my Higher Power. It’s funny to think that yesterday I wished I were dead. I like looking at life so much better from the non-judgmental, positive side. Just having sunshine, classical violins, Laurel, and A.A. in this world is priceless.

Be thankful for the smallest thing, and you will be worthy to receive something greater. – Thomas a’ Kempis

November 16, 1987

I drank again Friday at Shannon’s wedding shower. I felt a little too good and a celebratory glass of champagne seemed reasonable. Then I turned around and drank all day the next day, trying to knock out the hangover. Then I had a few more last night, trying to knock out that all-around horrible feeling. Of course, all of this was in conjunction with overeating and throwing up. I’m telling you, obsessive-compulsive behavior doesn’t die from starvation. In one day, I was reliving the hell of last year.

I think that my psychiatric meds may finally be working. I woke up today feeling good for no reason. It’s sad to think that all of my life I’ve been so miserable that I’ve had to have a reason to feel good.

One thing that is great is this little angel daughter of mine. I’m starting to love her so much. She is the most precious little girl I’ve ever known. It’s still hard for me to express, but something very special is happening between us. She’s taken Ben’s place in my heart.

What makes you happy or unhappy is not your world or the people around you, but the thinking in your head.- Anthony DeMello

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Book Excerpt: 08/11/1987-10/02/1987

April 30, 2012 by Paige DeHart

August 11, 1987

I went to my first childbirth class last night and it had an overwhelmingly negative effect on me. Ben should have been with me! I got drunk as a skunk. I’ve got to start putting this baby foremost in my life, but I feel like such a selfish little baby myself. Dear God, hear my cry.

Without a searching and fearless inventory, most of us have found that the faith which really works in daily living is still out of reach. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

August 15, 1987

The baby will be here soon! I can’t believe it’s almost over. I am huge! In a way it’s wonderful because I just love it when it wiggles around and kicks inside of me. It really gives me the strange realization that there’s going to be another human being in this world and I’m going to be its mother! I still can’t picture myself in that role because I have a hard time realizing that I’ve moved into a new stage of life and have let go of many of my old ways of seeing the world. It’s almost funny to look at the immature things that I cling to that I think define who I am and then, one day, just toss them away forever. Life is weird.

Life only makes sense when you perceive it as a mystery. – Anthony DeMello

August 18, 1987

I’m having a hard time refraining from light to moderate drinking. I’m just so bored and restless. I’m through re-establishing in A.A. I know that a few drinks here and there are not good, but they relieve my feelings of boredom and restlessness. I just don’t know what to think. I know that God’s alive, but I just don’t feel very close to Him and the conscious effort to keep in contact just doesn’t seem worth it. I’m not saying that I don’t love God and I’m not saying that I want my old life back. I just need a little more excitement.

I don’t really believe that I’m powerless over alcohol. Maybe I’m just powerless over depression or maybe I’m just fooling myself. I don’t know what’s going on.

Now, when you think that you are too busy for your daily visit with God, let me ask you frankly, what wonderful thing are you doing that is more important? – Emmet Fox

August 23, 1987

No comment on the last entry. Needless to say, I had an attack of selfishness. 

September 16, 1987

Today I realized that Ben may never be able to give when I sometimes need someone to be giving towards me. I cried in front of him because he was complaining about life and saying negative things about the pregnancy. He got mad and said that he couldn’t handle emotional outbursts. What about me? Maybe I can’t handle stoic indifference.

I say I want to marry him, but do I want a marriage where I walk on eggshells? If I don’t cry when I feel like crying, am I growing up or am I not being myself? Am I supposed to change myself for him? My love for him seems almost debilitating.

Any feeling that can make me betray my own heart can have only temporary value. – Hugh Prather

September 24, 1987

Things have been pretty even-keeled the past couple of weeks. I have finally gotten a few days of continuous sobriety under my belt and I feel pretty good about it. I don’t want to address the subject too much because when I dwell on my alcoholism, I tend to start rebelling and denying it.

Things with Ben are better. Just being at ease in the relationship is an answer to prayer.

The anticipation of the birth of this child is making every minute seem like an hour. I can’t wait.

October 2, 1987

My sweet, baby girl was born at 6:31 p.m. on September 30, 1987. She is beautiful.

Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. – Rabindranath Tagore

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Book Excerpt: 04/07/1987-08/07/1987

April 26, 2012 by Paige DeHart

July 7, 1987

Ben and I went to Austin for the fourth of July. We had a wonderful time. I’m in love with him. At this time I can see the similarities between joy and pain. I love him so much that it hurts because I keep allowing myself to become fearful that it’s all going to slip away.

Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst of the unquenchable? – Kahlil Gibran

July 12, 1987

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Ben and allowing myself to genuinely care for and share with him. I can’t believe how much work it is to be fair and loving. I am so grateful for this second chance with him.

The fragrance always remains in the hand that gave the rose. – Heda Bejar

July 15, 1987

I didn’t see Ben the past few days and I feel depressed and anxious. I don’t know how to love without becoming addicted.

July 28, 1987

Ben spoke of marriage again this weekend. My spiritual growth is important to me, but so is Ben.

You shall have no other gods before Me. – Exodus 20:3

August 2, 1987

I got depressed last night and let my thinking get crazy enough to allow myself to believe that a few drinks would help. Needless to say, I’m very remorseful. Right now I feel like I’m going to feel this way forever and that nothing in this world could possibly make me happy or make me feel better. I know that this is not true, though. I know that this too shall pass and that the meaning of life will continue to shine through.

I’ve got to accept the fact that I’m powerless over alcohol and that only through acceptance of this fact will I be able to endure the changes in my life. My life is less unmanageable than it used to be, but that will not hold true if I continue to poison myself with the first drink.

I’ve been feeling anxious over Ben. It’s hard for me to let things progress at God’s speed. I want him to make a decision about our future.

August 4, 1987

I suffered horrible depression the past two days that evolved into an irritable and agitated mood. I feel very negative and self-destructive. I realized today the full extent of my mental illness that I’ve always casually referred to as “my self-destructive tendencies.”  I have hope that I will someday lead a normal, happy life, but I also see that it is going to take work and effort and that the spiritual side of my life needs to grow even stronger.

I want to live and I want to be good, but it is very hard not to become very angry and say, “Why me? What did I do to deserve all this?” Anyway, I’m going to endure. I have faith.

For we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.  When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. – Alcoholics Anonymous

August 7, 1987

I am getting a cold, hard look at the way I tend to think negatively rather than positively. It is sickening. I want so much to just relax and let God take care of things. I really do want to believe that everything is going to be all right, but that kind of faith is so foreign to my old way of thinking. I guess because I was raised on rejection and disappointment, I can’t believe that God wants good things for me.

Letting go of fear is definitely proving to be my hardest defect to overcome. I sometimes want to break up with Ben so he can’t break up with me first, but I’m not going to run away. I’m going to stand and face it. I truly do believe that fear is the root of all evil.

The chances that you will wake up are in direct proportion to the amount of truth you can take without running away. – Anthony DeMello

 

 

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Book Excerpt: 06/22/1987-06/30/1987

April 23, 2012 by Paige DeHart

June 22, 1987

I approached Ben on the subject of coaching me through Lamaze. He thinks thatShannonis the wise decision since she will always be a part of my life. I want him to do it.

He was affectionate towards me for the first time since our reconciliation. I am very confused. Being with him makes me realize that my heart will probably break if he really does just turn and walk away, leaving the baby and me behind as a memory.

I have faith that God will direct the situation.

I used to believe that trusting God’s goodness meant I would not be hurt.  But having been hurt quite a bit, I know God’s goodness goes deeper than all pleasure and pain – it embraces them both. – Gerald May

June 29, 1987

Ben says that he is considering settling down with me and the baby. I think that he’s starting to love me, but I also think that his feelings for me repel him from me as much as they draw him to me. I know this whole deal is hard on him too. These are life-altering decisions. At least my choice is made. I am going to be a mother – with or without Ben.

June 30, 1987

Tomorrow I pick up my 30-day chip. I’m very grateful. The whole world seems different to me and yet I realize that the only thing that has really changed is my perspective on a world that has always been in flux. I like what I see.

Everything becomes beautiful when you change. – Anthony DeMello

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Book Excerpt: 06/02/1987- 06/17/1987

March 5, 2012 by Paige DeHart

June 2, 1987

Today has been an eye-opening day. I’ve accepted some things (or at least am willing to accept) that I have never been able to cope with before. I have decided to give psychiatric drug therapy a try; something that I have never been willing to do before. Maybe I truly do have a chemical imbalance that can be controlled. It would be wonderful to discover that these sometimes-tedious bouts with dissatisfaction are abnormal. Maybe the discomfort is unnecessary. I have hope.

I have also realized that now is the time to come to terms with my repetitious cycle of replacing one infatuation with another. I have “serial” relationships; using one man to get over another.

I find that I am more willing than ever to be responsible for my own happiness. Something wonderful is happening. It’s hard to let it all just happen without trying to exert control over other people, places, and things, but I feel encouraged about the “letting go and letting God” part of A.A. I want this program! I am ready to see what real living is.

June 6, 1987

Last night, a lot of stuff about motives came to mind. When I examine my past motives, I see how truly manipulative I was. I tried to control everything. Control is an illusion.

Most people try to live by self-propulsion.  Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show. – Alcoholics Anonymous

June 8, 1987

Dad’s mad at me because I can’t make my car payment. He’s always disappointed in me for some reason or another. I don’t believe it’s good to blame others for my problems, but I do blame him for mine. I’m trying to take responsibility for the moral and spiritual sides of my life, but it would be easier if there had been someone to teach me the difference between right and wrong when I was growing up.

I know my grandfather’s early death and neglect of Dad just passed down the line, but enough is enough. When is this family going to finally have enough guts to open its eyes and see the influence we have in each other’s lives; especially our children’s? The buck stops here.

When one of you falls down he falls for those behind him, a caution against the stumbling stone. And he falls for those ahead of him, who though faster and surer of foot, yet removed not the stumbling stone. – Kahlil Gibran

June 17, 1987

I have felt very hostile the last couple of days. I think that I am bored. Nothing great has happened, but nothing terrible has happened either. It’s times like these when I see what a true crisis junkie I am. I feel like sabotaging my program just so I’ll have a mess to clean up.

There is plenty wrong with us alcoholics about which plenty will have to be done if we are to expect sobriety, progress, and any real ability to cope with life. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

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